Showing posts with label Mollu at Work. Show all posts

A tense and stressful 6 hrs passed with concern about an ailing kin today. I usually am a make-up person and smile is my favorite cosmetic. Stress as you know is the worst concealer.

Frantic calls, lots of pacing up-and-down-the-corridor and endless cups of coffee was becoming the order of the day. As things progressed I decided to take mind off things. I walked into my office break room where we all gather to heat our lunch in the microwave unit.

Scene: Two microwave units in the break-room and I am waiting my turn near one of them as both are occupied by two ladies (who sit near my workstation and are remarkable witty. I so so so love them for regaling me with their wisecracks everyday)

Lady 1: "I am going to rush to the restroom while my lunch gets heated in the oven".

Saying so, she times the m/wave unit to a minute and goes to the restroom for doing "it".
Lady 2 and I engage in small talk.

Lady 1 returns from the restroom just as the one-minute timer on her m/wave unit is about to go off. She reaches to take her lunch out of the oven and while doing so sports a "I don't believe this" kind of expression.

Lady 2 (seeing Lady 1 's expression speaks): "You are surprised your food can be so frozen that even a minute in the oven hasn't done it any good?"

Lady 1: "No! , I never knew I could do "it" in the restroom in less than a minute."

Lady 2: Don't tell the manager this or she will time us to do "it" in less than a minute and add that as a performance measure in our appraisal!!!!

:) And just like that I smiled.....again....

And yes, I did time myself during my next trip .....and I'm sure you will too!!!!

Part 2 is here

Dress to Kill: Looking the part is almost always as important as doing the part for a raise or even to stay where you are. So if all else fails, dress the part. If your aim is to be at home on that couch then begin to dress the part NOW!!!

Wear Boxer shorts/lungi (preferably pink)/sleeveless night gowns (if you are a female),Slippers/Sandals(Unisex -No gender distinction or shoe polish here!). DO NOT Iron your clothes. Go for the out-of-the-bed grunge look. Remember Main Hoon Na!? If you are a female wear jewelry like you are modeling for a jewelry ad. All that sheen and the dazzling brilliance from your jewelry will blind your co-worker's eyes and ruin their concentration thereby causing them to make mistakes. This way along with yourself you can actually ensure many co-workers exit too. After all misery loves company!

DO NOT:

* Comb you hair. Be Natural. If possible Oil your hair with any herbal oil the smell of which can drive even a skunk away. You don't blow dry your hair to be at home do you?The aim is to kill two birds with one stone - Make sure you are sent home and ensure that you start acclimatising yourself to the way you are going to live after your mission of being shown the door out of work is accomplished.

* Use a Deodorant: Go Green. Deodorants are toxic. You are the (meeting minutes document)
shredding-recycling-not-deodorant-wearing types.

* Eat Garlic: An apple a day keeps a doctor away. A garlic a day keeps everyone away ....

* Update your contact info: Unless you want to be contacted about your pension fund deposit
do not update your contact info anywhere. Leave a fake number in
your email signature - for example a cab service.

Co-Worker : Hello, can you tell us how to fix this code?
Cabbie : Where are you right now?
Co-Worker : Im in the 12th line.
Cabbie : Sure sending a cab right away to 12th street

Leave the rest to the mexican cabbie and your co-worker.

And even if by now you have survived all attempts like in a God Of War game and are still gainfully employed, that my dear friend is sure shot sign that recession or not you will be fine because you are a survivor, and a damned determined one at that! Ergo, Your job is for you to keep for Lady Luck is smiling on you and like it or not you are a damned good worker OR you are the BOSS of the company to get away scot free!!

So which one are you?
Me too….A damned good worker :)

Part 1 is here

Let's start with the elevator: If you spot your boss in the elevator DO NOT let it pass. Dance on the chance. Make sure you "accidentally" drop your cup of coffee on his expensive suit.

If you do not have a cup of coffee in your hand then Plan B. Yawn loudly! no ,Growl! and blame it on lack of caffeine, Tell everyone in the lift (ensure your boss hasn't got one of those pesky little Ipod/Zune types on!) how your spouse snore last night was louder than the roar of the spectators in the stands in the match you were catching live on television last night and how you couldn't catch much sleep - because your favorite team lost the match. Look around to ensure your spouse is not in the lift. After all you do need them to financially support you in your domesticated stay-at-home phase. As you get out of the elevator try to step in your boss's way and let him topple. Do not help him to his feet. Stand and laugh - The same way he laughed at that report you submitted to him last week on why you thought you should be given a raise. If he survives this , then get into your office and as your boss tries to make his way through the door beat him to it and slam the door on his face. The bridge in your boss's nose shouldn't be the only thing broken after that. In return your access card will be broken by him. Who cares. Tit for Tat - He thinks! He may have won the battle, But you have just won the war and claimed your kingdom - the couch at home!

If any of the above works, even before you make your way up to your cubicle you will make your way out in the same elevator you came in.

Break Room: Admit it. If you are reading this you are probably the sort who takes work breaks between breakfast/tea/lunch/snack/browsing sessions. So you spend a palpable amount of your office time in the breakroom hanging out with mates and checking out office "hot" property that come in various colors like blondes, brunettes and redheads.

Start hanging out in the breakroom closest to the boss's office. Talk loudly about how you remain glued to your seat in the office all the time only because you are watching videos on Youtube in the office desktop. If Youtube is banned at work, brag about how you almost saw a morning- matinee-evening show in your portable-dvd-player, that you brought to work last week. If you have an arch nemesis at your workplace whom you want to take down with you take his/her name and mention how he/she also enjoyed the movie. Sink or Swim together. You can arbitrarily also blow your trumpet about how you spent the last day of the last quarter not tabling your results but by playing table tennis flash game.

And the boss will ensure that you/arch nemesis spend the rest of your days gaming comfortably at home with your kid or your neighbor's kid. Genius!

Meetings: Where despite high levels of caffeine and words being poured you still doze blissfully.Take lots of food (bananas, groundnuts, yogurt) to all meetings. Tell them you are saving lunch time. Peel the banana , try and aim for the nearest trash can to throw the peel and miss the goal. Peel the skin off the groundnuts and let it fly. Scoop the yogurt with your fingers and lick every last bit of it clean and give everyone in the meeting room a high-five.

My space: The only personal space we seem to be getting these days is probably in Myspace.com. Roomates, long lost Ex-es, Friends, Spouses, Kids are all invading our personal space like those masked men in the movie Watchmen. This is your most valuable asset unless you are Pamela Anderson. Deny them just that. Yes, while talking to your client in a meeting get as close as you can, stare into the eye and spray it! That's right. Don't just say, Let words spray out of your mouth in such a way that it leaves the other party drenched! To top it all off we are famous for our "nods" and hand gestures. Wave your hands in their faces.

Your next stop will be eating the food remnants of your couch for that's where you will be for the rest of your life. If you have kids or a nephew you know what I am talking about w.r.t food on couch. Else , wait till you have one! My nephew almost has a whole lost treasure hidden in my sister's couch. I even once found my sister's platinum chain hung around a rubber tadpole's neck in her couch with some poop-colored-substance hardened on it. The feeling - Priceless. Since I am selective about reality I choose to believe it was chocolate and not poop as it may well could have very possibly been.

Is that pesky little job just not leaving you? Click here for more.

Gentlemen,
Are you tired of waking up every morning with your pet salivating all over you and your girlfriend /wife/mother prodding you to go to work to rake in the moolah like every man from the stone age has been doing? Heck! The stone age man didn't have to dress did he? A few leaves here and there did the trick. Not so much for the nouveau corporate animal, such as you, who has to dress up for the corporate jungle. Tired of sucking it up to your boss for that bog fat promotion or just to keep your job? Sick of long days and all those work calls that make your short nights even shorter? Do you yearn to be a homemaker (house husband may not seem very gentleman-like) or just a domesticated man with the only score to keep up being on a game in your handheld PSP?

Girls,
Sick of having to be domestically accomplished and having to kick-your-boyfriend/husband-out of-bed/dropping kid-off at- playschool/snaking-your-way-through-city-traffic-to-work routine? Does work have no purpose in your life other than to pay bills? Wished you could have a more meaningful existence by being at home with your kid and watching him grow into a man(like the one you married) for another female to go through the same agony as you are going through with the one you married ? Do you wish the only bossing around that happened was you calling the shots and the house maid doing the bidding rather than your boss making you dance to his tunes for the pittance he pays in return? Want to care for your aging parents than some aging archive at work? Do you want to be a homemaker or just a domesticated woman happily scooping your precious's poop or sharing a hot cuppa with your mom in those afternoons before the little devils come back from school?

Nodding in agreement?

BUT...You cannot take the big step of quitting work because economic instability looms large in the air and your nagging spouse/parent/peer pressure won't let you!! Well!! Well!!! Here are some sure-shot-as-hell ways to be given the pink slip. Now is your chance to blame it on recession. Quick, before times get better and it starts raining paychecks and dare I say it - bonuses again!

(If you are a man of questionable orientation you may be given pink slips for various other reasons).

Violations of work etiquette almost always are taken very seriously and there is no escaping the pink slip. And then Freedom to BE!!!!!! Aazadi Dil Ki!! With a pink slip given nothing will now stop your frm leading that life you've always dreaming. Being the King/Queen of the couch and ruling it!!!!

So violate you will and how?!!!!

...Click here to know how - Part 2

Just got back home. Phew!!!

I did no work today and got paid :) Don't go green with envy! You didn't believe that did you!

A friend who needed a ride back home regaled me with a conversation between her and a co-worker.

Friend has recently come back from a vacation in India and had gone to the co-worker's place to give sweets and engaged in small talk. Co-worker is married with a 3 year old kid. Thus floweth the conversation between friend and co-worker.

Co-Worker : I was in the smoking zone today when a very beautiful blonde walked past me. I was hoping and praying she would walk into our office building because I will have my regular dose of eye-candy then. However she walked right past our office into the next one. Sigh!

Friend : But you are married so you shouldn't be checking out chicks anymore.

Co-Worker: If you are on a diet, you are still allowed to check out the menu aren't you ?

:)

Lafemmereva comments : Yes, as long as you are ordering for your wife!!!

The slumdog barks again!

Hey Anoop Desai....Slumdogs get Oscars and talented singers become the coveted Idol!!!!

Bah! Anoop Desai cashing in on Slumdog phenomenon it seems!!!! Will the real American Idol please stand up!!!

Click here to meet the 3 new Super heroes

SH# 1: He is 5'4" tall: This super hero is bespectacled and has a squint. Despite being deprived of physical height this man founded and took an IT behemoth to dizzying heights. And to me he is a super hero not because I make my bread and butter from the IT behemoth he founded but because we all like stories of the guy next door who scaled great walls!

SH# 2: Petite Innings: Too fast, not too furious and not too tall either. Nopes not Schumacher. Our very own "little" model currently at Madame Tussad's - The "Master Blaster" who is a self - confessed car conossieur.

SH# 3: Loreal Shampoo needs a new face? How about our very own ex- excellency who has both beauty and brains, who can ensure SRK foregoes the unique distinction of being the first star in a female oriented commerical (Remember Lux Ad, No? Refresh your memory here).

So no prizes for guessing the first comic book that Straw reads.....

Size doesn't matter unless you are Hulk Hogan /Pamela Anderson!

-- I Think...... Therefore I am.......

Okay, I Revathi Balasubramaniam confess. I have a few bags and shoes.

Don't ask me for numbers. What's in a number these days. Today you might have a few zeroes after a 1 in your bank account. Tomorrow it maybe a few zeroes before 1. So numbers mean nothing unless you are them.

Ask no question - Hear No lie!!! Let's just say I have left no color unturned in the bag or shoe domain :P

If I were to build a house I would have my own (ar) rack room full of my own Pradas, Fendis and LVs.

Now the entrepreneurial voice in me has always been whetted by many well-meaning (comparably shoeless and bagless) friends who have urged me to exercise caution in these difficult times.

So, capital may be scarce but vision never is. Here I come up with a brilliant proposal thanks to a few links that came into my inbox from a certain Southerner who is seeking 50% of the profits that I make from this business venture. Bah! Like I couldn't have thought of it myself!!

Read this and that..

So putting this and that voila!!! One (Read ME) can actually move to Maple Land, if Uncle Sam shows the door, and setup shop. I can actually rent out my bags/shoes, which are clamoring for space in my house, for a nominal amount to other damsels (Discount if you just need one well heeled shoe to gently tap your significant other) and from the profit I make I can re-invest in newer assets (shoes and bags for myself) to be added to the business (after they make a debut on me of course!!!)

I am also willing to barter with fellow maple-ians if they are willing to loan me the latest Ipod Talking shuffle in exhange-loan for my goods.

So it is really a very well sustaining business utilises the concept of putting your assets (bags and shoes only!! Mental Images of any other asset is a sign of a perverted mind!) to use and parallely ensuring a constant inflow of more assets (again bags and shoes).

I am an enlightened sole!!! Maybe thats what Ill call my businesswebsite where I put my goodies for sale www.lafemme-enlightened-sole.com. I rock and am awesome!

Related Post: Southener Series - Numero Uno - Idea that helped create a multi-million dollar empire

Mollu's Manager sends her a list of things to do at 12 : 00 in the night! (Bold, Emphasis, Underline 12:00 in the night! A man with a wife and a kid!)
Manager's mail as follows:
Title of the email: A few tasks to do...
#1
#2
#3......

Mollu's response to manager inline to the mail..
Title of the email : A few Tasks to do....? (Go fish!)
#1,#2, #3 ....I have taken a print out of this and kept at my desk. For some I can’t give a status right away because it’s a long process. For some I have. Over the next few centuries the status for the remaining ones will be sent when there is an update.

End of the mail chain!

Mollu and manager go to their respective beds and sleep!

Next day Mollu is asked to send a status report to the client and Mollu decides to borrow conveniently from the previous day's mail and says so to her manager for which pat comes the reply!
Manager: Feel free to copy, peek or cheat because you are not smarter than a fifth grader :)
Mollu: People not smarter than a fifth grader may well go on to become American/Indian Idols!

On a Maniac Tuesday after a 2 hour brainstorming session on how to become a system expert in 2 hrs , my stomach was threatening to start a mutiny and soon it was that time of the noon when even a power nap can't save you from the strains of hard(ly) labor, Snoopy(a pal of mine whom I shall frequently mention for the remainder of my blogging days)and I exchange a few mails back and forth:

Moi: Ringa Ringa Roses, Code full of hoaxes, Husha Busha, All (systems) fall down!
Snoopy: Twinkle Twinkle little code
How I wonder what you load
Up above my head so high
Your bugs make me cry !

With a power nap beckoning and a status mail reckoning caffeine is the panacea and on my way out of office to Starbucks for a Cafe Misto, I see a couple of plaques on a co-worker's workstation which say...

"Trespassers will be prostituted"
"Shut up and work, you are not paid to think! "

Nah! I tell Green Day crooning on my Ipod! "I don't walk a lonely road! "