Showing posts with label Palakkad. Show all posts

Bah!! I haven't started a party and all.

Since polls are the order of the day in India I shall also pander to my audience's fancy by offering them with one:

What pisses you off incurs your wrath more?

Option 1: Staring a vacation series and not taking it to closure?

Option 2: Writing an excuse for a post such as this to apologise for it?

I will not judge your orientation you based on your choice above.

Lafemmereva pleads guilty of clocking 12 hrs everyday doing what, don't ask! and sincerely vows to once in for all blog about the remainder of her vacation series, no later than the end of this week, to explicate herself from the heinous crime of not entertaining her readership.
Bah, Lafemmereva is feeling compunctious and all. Compunctious is not to be understood as being punctual about commas.

But in the meantime for those that don't have a clue what I am talking about please fall prey to this third rate tactic that we (bloggers) use to ensure our older babbles posts are trashed read.

So the homework for this day is to read the following:

Part 1 : Homecoming Series #1 - Fasten your seat belts

Part 2 : Homecoming Series #2 - Wheels in motion, Mission Half accomplished!

Part 3: Coming soon.....

By the blogger, for the blogger, of the blogger. Totally. No! Seriously not contesting elections.

Related Posts:
Homecoming Series #1 - Fasten your seat belts
Homecoming Series #2 - Wheels in motion, Mission Half accomplished!

DISCLAIMER: To all men reading this post, you are either my best friend, good friend, casual acquaintance , cousin, workmate, current boss, ex boss, current boyfriend, ex boyfriend , father or just another bored techie looking to spice up yet another afternoon at work . This post was written on one of my bad "code" days ( midnights!) when my program unit like my life was refusing to compile. I had to debug the bug in my code and life and fiction seemed to be the best debugging tool available.

So if you are a non mallu and fall into any of the categories above read it, pretend it tickled your funny bone, be gracious to leave a comment ,exit the page but make a reference of this page to a Funny, Jovial, Educated Mallu friend of yours (Who doesn’t wear a horn rimmed spectacle and prefers Brylcream to coconut oil!) and in return I'll name my second born after you :) I christened my first born as Silk Matha( Pls refer my "It's a Girl " Post! )

If you however are my "Neo"(Mallu/Palghat Pattar! :) enter the following loop and if you find an exit well go ahead and exit while you still can!

1. Open your wallet
2. Take your card out. No! Not that one, the one with the maximum credit limit. Yes, That card which can buy anything except “priceless” articles of interest!
3. Go to http://www.tiffany.com(i know you want to go to http://www.ebay.com! I will make you sleep on the couch!)
4. Buy a ring (No, not the Lord of the ring, DVD! You silly!) not less than 10 carat and come find me ! I will live happily ever after and well for you!! Hahahahahha!!!!! Poda Vattan!!! You just bought your suicide weapon (The ring!) In case you haven't realized by now that this is a never ending loop.

This loop iterates every anniversary with step 3 changing to http://www.manoloblahniks.com, http://www.chanel.com,http://www.botox.com and finally http://www.allmymoneyisyours.com :)

Read on this page from my fantasy book...

My dear Kunja Etan,

I have been looking a lot for you lately .Are you thinking of me right now like I am thinking of you? Are you looking for me in www.shaadi.com and www.jeevansaathi.com RIGHT NOW hoping I pop up on your screen? No? Turn off Pop up Blocker!

I am a very sweet innocent (with a long standing history of verbally and physically challenging her current and ex boyfriends:) The last one was left reproductively challenged after he refused to take me to timbuktu!) kollengode mollu.

Its becoming very hard to fantasize a nameless being Atleast send me a picture of ANY organ of your body, that I could use to dream about!

There is a scene that I often play in my head Etan. I promise you its very original and not a rip off from any fairy tale.....

(It is well almost midnight and I am dreaming of that day when I graduate from School with my Master's degree and well its the proverbial Graduation party. I wear my Glass Slippers and at the stroke of 12, I run away from the party because I need to rush to the loo. Bladder filled with enough water for a year’s supply of “wet” dreams!

And you come after me just in time to catch my leg before I rush into the "girls" room and my Manolo Blahnik gets caught in your hands )

Do you also write such novels in your head? Am I the Parvathi of a Suresh Gopi like you?

Have you ever noticed how most of the long standing marriages and the most successful couples like Ray and Deb of Everybody loves Raymond, Chandler and Monica of Friends, Mr and Mrs Simpson are all oddly couples of the exact opposite nature? If you are the Burger I will be the fries, together we shall make a perfect combo! In short I’ll be your better and bitter half!

I am not ready to marry you yet not Etan, coz like Britney says..I am not a girl not yet a woman :) But soon I will be so till then this is ALL I ask of you...(For now!)

Have enough girlfriends till we start dating so that by the time you come to me you are harassed enough and have paid enough restaurant bills and have had enough phone fights but also have enough reasons to break up with them after you meet me.

If you haven't learn to drive yet please do, I want to dress up like Shania Twain in " That don’t impress me much in Strips and Fur and get on your bike and go on long drives and after the drive get off the bike and say "That don't impress me much! "

I also want to go on a cycle with you with me sitting in the front like Goddess Khushboo (Don’t you know a temple was built for her, we should be aware of what’s happening in other states also! Might come in handy during the IQ Test, you’ll understand as you read below) does with “Superstar” Rajini in "Annamalai"

Please learn to make good Idiyappam and Kadala Curry , If you don't know learn from your mom/aunt/grandma next time you go home. I prefer it to expensive Italian/Mexican/Mediterranean food that only a Master Card can buy.

Make sure your younger/older sister are married so that the line is clear for us ;)If you have a younger or older brother make sure he remains unmarried so that I can flirt with him when you go on business trips. Also It wont hurt to have a handsome dad who will serve the same purpose. I have been spending sleepless nights thinking about you.

Etan, Cheriya request Please don't wax your legs, I don’t like my mallu boy metro sexual I just like him sexual. This way when you turn up your lungi (Good ventilation) and show your legs the visual sight of your hirsute le(o)gs will keep me floored despite the unbearable stench from your unwashed undie! (VIP Frenchie ???? Indigenous Komanam????? )

Etan, our love story has a brutus! My Achchan! He doesnt like mallu boys. He thinks his Reva Kochchu will become a waitress in a Tea Kada if she marries a Mallu Boy :( ( He loves banana chips and shakeela though!!! Hypocrisy I say!!!! )

He might put our love on a free trial period and might even guarantee to take your mollu back if he is not satisfied with you. He wants to interview you and test our IQ. So in addition to Malayalam Manorama make sure you read the Manorama Yearbook, Washington Post, Sciam.com, Did you know series, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Sarita, Vanita, Mangalam, Playboy, Letters to Penthouse.... This way even if you don't win me atleast you will win Master Mind on BBC and we can use this to appeal to my dad and convince him.

So Make sure your humor is as good as Lal etan's and legs as strong as Mamooty so that when you propose to me and my dad objects we can both run away as fats as your legs can carry(Yes I will be in your arms and you will be carrying me while we run away!)

(Am demonstrating my convincing abilities here, I wont have much trouble in convincing me into making me the beneficiary in your will and Insurance :P)

I promise to stay by you through receding hairlines and will gift your yearly subscriptions to www.wegrowhair.com
I promise to let you have your boy's day out when I am in the 'wrong' position of the month.
I promise to pray that your favorite football team wins.
I promise not to let distance come between us (Keep your friends close enemies closer :))

In return please promise me that we shall live happily ever after like the 2 lovebirds below :)



P.S . Pls brush your teeth daily, tooth extraction is very painful. No? Read my "Its a girl" post. Also I hate bad breath when you give me a good night kiss! :)

Okay etan moi going to sleep! Ummmahhh!!! Have you turned into a prince? :P

P.S I will blow you good night kiss everyday (Flowers will cross in the screen when we kiss and people can't see! see etan I'm a midiki :P and soon we will have kids born through cross pollination! :D

Signed,
Kollengode Mollu

Related Post: To my 'Tam Brahm GF's agonising aunt'

Yes! Me! Stay away from me! I am/was the girl you love to hate and the girl your parents hate to love! I am/was the nerdy, geeky first bencher who takes all notes diligently*(see footnote) , sits in the first bench runs after the professor after a class for references to additional reading material(really for those additional internal marks ;)

I was an Arrears Virgin(Don't read that as A Rear Virgin!!! Phew!! You perverted people. Such blasphemous thoughts!See footnote "Pssst" of * ), Never failed a single exam from Kindergarten! Never knew what it felt like!! My not so virgin friends have called it a harrowing experience**(Footnote)....Failing in exams and accumulating arrears. So I always wanted to play it safe and cleared every exam a.k.a Hermione of the H potter fame.

So it came as a bolt from the blue to me that after 18 years of schooling ( LKG/UKG/Class 1 to 12 and 4 yrs of B.Eing ) that I flunked in one of the exams that was made mandatory at my workplace for career advancement.

I thought I had already hit rock bottom when I was told the exam was mandatory but failing it was like throwing me a shovel to dig more into the bottomless pit I was already in! I plunged into the depths of despair with no hope or redemption , the only light at the end of the tunnel being that I was allowed a second attempt at cracking it or at making an utter fool of myself all over again.

Now is when I introduce you to Sly Fox (No , that's not his real name but that's what I'll call him for the remaining of my blogging days whenever I conveniently need to use him or his writings! :D)

So my dear readers , Meet Sly. Sly , Meet the Readers.

More about Sly in a separate Post. Ladies! that's a Post you want to come back to my blog for ....This is really a very cheap trick to increase the visits to my blog! :P You would have fallen for it if I hadn't told you so. So one point to me for revealing the cheat code.

Pt Summary :

Moi: 1
You : 0

Speaking of cheat codes I still haven't found a game that fascinates me as much as God of the wars does! Are they coming out with any new releases? Need to check. For those of you who haven't played the game ! Et tu Brutus! You are a disgrace to the fellowship of couch potatoes.Get yourself a console and a controller and game on! God of war. All work and no play made Jack a dead man and Jill a wealthy widow.

So scene cut back to me the damsel in distress in the depths of despair. I burn the midnight oil(It was my turn to pay the electricity bill and I was banking on spiderman to bail me out since I was going from broke to broken) Spidey was the one who said" With great power comes great responsibility.....and greater electricity bills" :P. Spidey was apparently busy watching Mary Jane in her latest play in Pattaya, Thailand. A lil birdie tells me Mary Jane is now in the much famed Alcazar show and is also a part of the Cirque de Soleil troupe which does awesome shows like Zumanity in Vegas. Kidding! :) But do make it a point to go to the Zumanity show in Vegas if you do get there. And hey! what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.)

I now realise the midnight oil has been burning for a long time so with the oil prices sky rocketing and Saddam Uncle no longer around to discover more wells in the Iraqi land and to cut a long story short I slogged my proverbial booty off and the Dday arrived. Self doubt plagued me like it did Surat years ago and the dire consequences of flunking again loomed over me like the Damocles sword. Sweaty palms, Weeks of unmanicured nails , Un-conditioned hair all owing to time spent on prepping had taken a toll on me and I was irredeemable depressed. I call Sly at 4 in the morning and tell him of my predicament.

Ever the one with a panacea to all plagues he wrote me this which Ill treasure for a lifetime and if this ever gets lucky to be published even rake in the moolah and spare him a dime or two despite no IPR filed by him! :)

This is what he wrote to me:

Are there moments in your life when you feel down? When the whole world seem to be in your face and trying to put you down? Friends not being your friends? Family driving you wild? Work pressure getting to you? Your diet not working? Putting on extra centimeters? Gas prices going up? Not able to bring world peace? Lingerie going lifeless after just 4 months? What do you do? Give up? No!! What you should do, is to suck it all up, hold your tummy in, walk over to your PC or laptop, log into your Bank account and deposit money into this account
***************. (Last Name Fox Fname Sly)


And then see how things change! Those extra centimeters disappear! Gas prices become affordable! Work will seem like a pleasant dream! Friends will start being your friends! Family will become sane again! The whole world will sing your tune and your lingerie will make you feel super sexy! *conditions apply :). As you can see I have made no mention of World Peace! That's what Beauty Queens are for. And Even after 50 years, if Beauty Queens can't solve the problem, How can SlyInc. solve it? :D

So Feel free to deposit money into this account whenever you feel like
****************
Other Occasions in which you can deposit include b'days, trips, anniversaries, get-together's, parties or any feel good moments including when eating chocolate cake !! ..also there is no upper limit on deposits!!

All Deposits accepted with big smile on face! No Deposit refused or rejected! Deposit Now! All Deposits go towards improving Version 10.0 as well as base versions. All deposits will be given a virtual "receipt" .. 1 or more receipts of values more than 500$ can be redeemed for a peck on cheek!! :D :-*

And the bdays, annivs's, parties need not be mine or hosted by me :D So if you are looking for almost instant gratification, you now know what to do! Spread the word.. See what others have to say about this deposit service.

Tom (from Arkansas ) : " I deposited 1000$ into the a/c and all my troubles dissapeared"
Dick (from Kansas) : " I deposited 1500$ and I won the lottery the next day!!"
Harry (from Alabama) : " I deposited 2000$ and i found true love!"

See how the Direct Deposit (DD ) worked for Tom, Dick & Harry! It can work for you too! So don't waste time! Do it now! And as part of this special offer All DD's of 500$ and more made in the next 72 hours get a one hour evening session at DD free!!

*conditions apply


* In reality I am really a cute dumb lass(And available too!!!, So go to the nearest Ganga Department Store get that Axe Deo , spray it on, Withdraw your last month;s salary from the ATM and take me out! :) Kidding!
Pssst.....Dad is also reading this blog! Maybe potential future dates too so! So ahem! Ahem! I'm strictly Unavailable :) ) fooling you into believing I am all that I am claiming to be.

**Yeha Amigos! Girls can crack crude and off color jokes too! Its my blog remember! My rules! Its either my way or highway. No patronising about how the woman of today are no longer coy and demure and no longer do your bidding!

P.S. Hoooooooorayyyy!!!!I cleared the exam!!!! By all standards with Distinction! Summa Cum Laude!