Showing posts with label Girl talk. Show all posts

A shoe, a shirt, a wonderful skirt and a brilliant dress,
if i could buy it all with my cash not becoming less,
is the dream i have every time i dream,
even thinking of it makes me shout and scream !!

I brood and i think on how to make it true,
but the vision of the dress is stuck to my mind like glue !!
Every blink i make redeems the pleasure of the fancy bags,
then the mind tells me "spending drives you from riches to rags" !!

Quietly i sit and mourn the loss of my fancy item,
the woes of it surround me and their grips tighten !!
I sit there silently thinking what to do,
but no idea comes apart from the missed lovely shoe !!

Seeing my woes god did appear,
his wardrobe was made of nothing less than Hilfiger !!
He said "Daughter i do understand your plight,
In heaven Hilfiger is free, but on earth you have to pay for it right?"

I looked up to god and nodded my head,
he looked down at me and this is what he said !!
"Spending when necessary is out of need,
otherwise to monetary constraints it will lead !!

For some people need may be more, for some less,
thinking of that do not take too much stress !!
Reason for yourself how much you do really need,
buy just that, and money will stick to you like a wild reed !!

I agree Dolce is good and Gabbana even better,
but self control is a virtue not a few fancy letters !!
Keep this in mind and judge for yourself,
whenever you see fancy items lying on a shelf !!"

With these few words god did the disappearing act,
but by then i had made in my mind a pact !!
I would judge whats necessary and what is not,
even though it maybe Calvin Klein or not !!

With this thought i went to the mall with friends,
and i was sure i would listen to gods advice and make amends !!
They were all on a full fledged shopping spree,
but i controlled myself and got only what was free !!

Home i came a little depressed,
but the sight of my cash balance took away all the stress !!
For the first time in history I had not spent in a mall,
and in the entire weekend my bank balance did not become small !!

I had learned the trick to spend less and still be content,
necessity was the mother of invention and now i knew what it meant !!
To overcome desires and have self control was no longer a tale,
I had done it and i knew that was the path on which to sail !!

To read the other poems please click here

Girls,

What did our mothers tell us? Vitamins and minerals make your hair and skin healthy and wealthy. See all those celebrities minting money out of shiny hair and skin!!!

If nature has let you down, let technology step in.

See what a good friend discovered here.

God bless such good friends.

And so -- This continues to be a marathon wedding season in my friends circle. I received a mail from a good and very humorous friend of four odd years about getting betrothed to his lady love who hails from Erode.

<>Alert***********Even at the risk of writing an infinitesimally small post I decided to blog this so as to record this incident for any future “small talk” and also for posterity sakes*********** Alert!<>

Erode brings back very fond memories of a trip I once took with my mom on one of the South bound Indian trains. Once the train halted at Erode my mom (we were both seated in the side seat) ordered "vegetarian" lunch for the two of us from a platform vendor. He had just two parcels in his hand and seemed as eager to part with it as Abhinav Bindra would with his “Gold”. After much introspection (and maybe after seeing me already hogging on a plate of Samosas) he decided my mom and I could do without dinner and refused to sell it to us. We couldn't find another vendor and soon the train started moving slowly .Suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and offers the parcels , grabs the money from my mom's hand and fades into oblivion as the train gains momentum.
My mom and I didn't give this awkward behavior much thought until we opened our parcels and saw "fresh" vegetarian food staring right at us -- Yes, Fish with its eyes full (wide) open and body half cooked :)

Here and there you see it everywhere,
I as well had my own share!!
Addictions and desires evermore,
to be light so with the wind i can soar!!

I tried so hard to shed it all,
I tried everything including running in the fall!!
Gyms and pools did not help much,
the pants did not loosen and no miracles as such!!

Sadness galore and helpless I felt,
depression looming but still no fat did melt!!
Protiens and lipids all swimming in fat,
all hopes gone and in brooding silence I sat!!

Forcefully packed off to a different land,
miseries enough to hide face in hand!!
In distress I started eating healthy,
the first effect was that I was more wealthy!!

Salads from chipotle lentil and white rice,
there was salt and pepper but no sign of any spice!!
Three meals a day with no munches in the middle,
the tummy was a bit bored with the mind solving the riddle!!

One fine day I decided to buy the scale,
to check how heavy I was so that I could once more wail!!
Oh my god I never believed what I saw,
from a seventy(kgs)to one twenty five(lbs) against all law!!

For years I had tried to reduce the load,
and all efforts went in vain on the long road!!
But when it was time it did come true,
fate was the winning ship and me in its crew!!

My miseries gone, my sadness flew,
the beautiful smile was there once again in lieu!!
I did the jig, a butterfly dance, and a leap in the sky,
I felt that my small dream was no more a lie!!

How much does Barbie weigh?
"He loves me" , "He loves me not" , "He loves me ", "He loves me not" ...And so I went harping to myself about whether Johnny Depp loved me or not when suddenly Sly came into my room and said "Hey chubby Girl!!!"!!!

Chubby!!! Me? I considered myself to be a girl to whom God had been extra generous, in whom he pumped extra air in some places that made me the bouncy girl that I am today, not Chubby!

I used the hotline and called N. N ate and exercised like a spartan and she looked like a Grecian Goddess. I heard her voice on the other line.
N : "Hey Sweets, whatcha doing?"
Moi: "Hey N! How much does Barbie weigh?"
N : "Duh!! Whats with you...I dunno maybe 110 pounds!"
Moi: "What does she eat everyday? "[N is a voracious reader of all the evil beauty magazines which promote low self esteem amongst well fed and healthy but slightly borderline cases)
N : "Raw vegetables and Cabbage Soup. And Camel milk as soon as she wakes up in the morning. You could try and tell me if the diet works for you".
I thought to myself yeah sure it will work, the subsequent diarrhea will enable me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Why didn't I think of that!

Now I have introduced sly before so no more "Meet sly the Incredible Hulk , errr....sorry Hunk!" However a story now here about him to add color:

I have never known anyone other than sly who orders a Baconator at MacD, Large Potato Wedges and a DIET COKE! (Duh!). He has his sumptuous dinner puts on his Sunday best and by that I mean pajamas, woollen socks, hiking boots, sweater(to add pounds to the scale), drinks a whole (can) glass of "healthy" orange juice(Sunny D! like Ellen Paige in Juno) and holds the burp(he thinks gas adds to the weight!),removes his eyewear(He thinks blurred vision helps him read 180 as 130!) and gets on the bathroom scale. He weighs himself with all the above accessories included which add up to a few pounds and the next morning undresses himself completely and weighs in and feels good about loosing a few extra pounds while sleeping :)

Digressing a bit Sly is the sort of guy who minus his spectacles went and rubbed the back of his boss's daughter in an office party who was wearing white mink fur mistakenly thinking it was his boss's Maremma(a white sheep dog)! Flowers crossed(Love bloomed like in Mallu movies when flowers cross to indicate people are in love!) and ever since Sly has been promoted 3 times!

BTW Did you know? Sly's birthday wish was to give backward spiderman kiss to his boss's daughter?

Sly tells me that the best exercise to loose weight is to shake your head! Turn your head from left to right everytime someone offers you food to say "No" and voila you have burned all the calories without even getting off your butt!

I was always in shape(Yeah Round is a shape!). Work brought me to the US of A where clothes from the petites section of any Macy's or JC Penny's make me look like a Trapeze artist in circus act baggying around my shoulders and cinching at my waistline.

On a more serious note women of today need to prove themselves everywhere. To prove half their worth they need to work twice as much, do we want to promote low self esteem amongst young girls of today and make them prone to suffer from bulimia, anorexia and malnutrition to make them feel beautiful?

We have no one else to blame but ourselves and the media for stories of models who starve themselves and of freak incidents of deaths even.

I recently came across this and will NOT comment on the article but in case you missed it here you go!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-552792/Size-16-Miss-England-hopeful-Chloe-unveils-curvy-look-official-bikini-shoot.html

http://www.cwtv.com/thecw/gen-gallery-antm10-models/14/13

Sly once told me of a woeful tale when he gifted his boss's daughter a diamond ring and she burst into tears. Sly presumed they were tears of joy and was thoroughly touched when she wailed saying "Oh, this ring makes my finger look fat!"

Well maybe , diamonds aren't a girl's best friend after all! :)

I intended to write a full length post on this but I got caught in the mundane chores of coloring the nail on my little finger and taking the tag off my first Saks Fifth Avenue sweater! I wanted to laugh off the whole episode so here goes...

If only being a woman were any easier...And if only Monday mornings started off any better!( All this happened on a monday)

In what twisted world is there a rule which says that marriage validates a woman's being?

It all started off with a call my "Tam Brahm" girl friend who in a couple of months will have completed a quarter of a century on Planet Earth.

She is also a proud aunt of a darling nephew who is soon to turn "troublesome one!" New Mothers would sure know why "one" is so troublesome.

Call Summary from the "Tam-Brahm" in distress as follows:

The excitement of a newborn at home turning one shifted the focus away from her "singleness" for a while since the focus was shifted to where the little one would have his head tonsured for the ceremony and where he would have his ear pierced(Let's just say that now when they get his ears pierced he may cry but fast forwarding several years to him as a teeny bopper, when history repeats and he pierces well his whatever! ,He will have had his last laugh of the whole episode!)

Soon after all the subtleties are dealt with (including major decisions like whether the lady next door who didn't send an invite for a similar function at home needs to be invited ) she was back to fielding all he queries they usually ask her,forgoing any preamble,"Why cant u like marry a tam brahm" ?? " Why cant we place and ad in the newspaper" Your aunt knows of a cousin who is your father's uncle's wife's sister's grandson! He is an IIT graduate, works in San Jose in Silicon Valley(Is silicon valley in San Jose or San Jose in Silicon Valley!!!! Phew!!) and has a Honda accord! (Why do all desis get a Honda or a Toyota Camry? Do Honda and Toyota manufacture cars for Indians living in America? !! Why not a Nissan Sentra err.....Altima ;)) Psstttt... I own an Altima.


The species of aunts are the only ones which have survived Darwin's natural selection and have infiltrate their way through the system landing pat right on their butts in our homes sipping teas in our courtyards helping the likes of KKKKKta Kpppppprr make millions spinning yarn that might have placed India right at the top of the countries exporting Yarn. These "friendly" aunts who do a wedding hopping in the vain search of a potential victim at the altar of the arranged marriage have now zeroed in on her. Why can't they just go become franchisees of some home based business?

Presumably she is a smart, young cosmopolitan woman "Tam Brahm" who has reached the "right age and the "right" thing for me to do is find the "right" guy?Right? Wrong!

She for one is a die hard romantic at heart who has a spirit of romantic adventurism in her... who likes her men classy & clean shaven(French Beard is a thumbs up!),is the fun"nest" person to be with, has a sharp sense of humour and is surprisingly bohemian yet conventional in a way that makes her the most unique and the most "eligible. She is what a Maya Angelo would call A "Phenomenal Woman"

So my sincere plea to her "Agonising Aunts" Let her find her suitable or unsuitable man/frog :D

Related Posts : Open letter to my one and only Mallu Chekkan!

DISCLAIMER: To all men reading this post, you are either my best friend, good friend, casual acquaintance , cousin, workmate, current boss, ex boss, current boyfriend, ex boyfriend , father or just another bored techie looking to spice up yet another afternoon at work . This post was written on one of my bad "code" days ( midnights!) when my program unit like my life was refusing to compile. I had to debug the bug in my code and life and fiction seemed to be the best debugging tool available.

So if you are a non mallu and fall into any of the categories above read it, pretend it tickled your funny bone, be gracious to leave a comment ,exit the page but make a reference of this page to a Funny, Jovial, Educated Mallu friend of yours (Who doesn’t wear a horn rimmed spectacle and prefers Brylcream to coconut oil!) and in return I'll name my second born after you :) I christened my first born as Silk Matha( Pls refer my "It's a Girl " Post! )

If you however are my "Neo"(Mallu/Palghat Pattar! :) enter the following loop and if you find an exit well go ahead and exit while you still can!

1. Open your wallet
2. Take your card out. No! Not that one, the one with the maximum credit limit. Yes, That card which can buy anything except “priceless” articles of interest!
3. Go to http://www.tiffany.com(i know you want to go to http://www.ebay.com! I will make you sleep on the couch!)
4. Buy a ring (No, not the Lord of the ring, DVD! You silly!) not less than 10 carat and come find me ! I will live happily ever after and well for you!! Hahahahahha!!!!! Poda Vattan!!! You just bought your suicide weapon (The ring!) In case you haven't realized by now that this is a never ending loop.

This loop iterates every anniversary with step 3 changing to http://www.manoloblahniks.com, http://www.chanel.com,http://www.botox.com and finally http://www.allmymoneyisyours.com :)

Read on this page from my fantasy book...

My dear Kunja Etan,

I have been looking a lot for you lately .Are you thinking of me right now like I am thinking of you? Are you looking for me in www.shaadi.com and www.jeevansaathi.com RIGHT NOW hoping I pop up on your screen? No? Turn off Pop up Blocker!

I am a very sweet innocent (with a long standing history of verbally and physically challenging her current and ex boyfriends:) The last one was left reproductively challenged after he refused to take me to timbuktu!) kollengode mollu.

Its becoming very hard to fantasize a nameless being Atleast send me a picture of ANY organ of your body, that I could use to dream about!

There is a scene that I often play in my head Etan. I promise you its very original and not a rip off from any fairy tale.....

(It is well almost midnight and I am dreaming of that day when I graduate from School with my Master's degree and well its the proverbial Graduation party. I wear my Glass Slippers and at the stroke of 12, I run away from the party because I need to rush to the loo. Bladder filled with enough water for a year’s supply of “wet” dreams!

And you come after me just in time to catch my leg before I rush into the "girls" room and my Manolo Blahnik gets caught in your hands )

Do you also write such novels in your head? Am I the Parvathi of a Suresh Gopi like you?

Have you ever noticed how most of the long standing marriages and the most successful couples like Ray and Deb of Everybody loves Raymond, Chandler and Monica of Friends, Mr and Mrs Simpson are all oddly couples of the exact opposite nature? If you are the Burger I will be the fries, together we shall make a perfect combo! In short I’ll be your better and bitter half!

I am not ready to marry you yet not Etan, coz like Britney says..I am not a girl not yet a woman :) But soon I will be so till then this is ALL I ask of you...(For now!)

Have enough girlfriends till we start dating so that by the time you come to me you are harassed enough and have paid enough restaurant bills and have had enough phone fights but also have enough reasons to break up with them after you meet me.

If you haven't learn to drive yet please do, I want to dress up like Shania Twain in " That don’t impress me much in Strips and Fur and get on your bike and go on long drives and after the drive get off the bike and say "That don't impress me much! "

I also want to go on a cycle with you with me sitting in the front like Goddess Khushboo (Don’t you know a temple was built for her, we should be aware of what’s happening in other states also! Might come in handy during the IQ Test, you’ll understand as you read below) does with “Superstar” Rajini in "Annamalai"

Please learn to make good Idiyappam and Kadala Curry , If you don't know learn from your mom/aunt/grandma next time you go home. I prefer it to expensive Italian/Mexican/Mediterranean food that only a Master Card can buy.

Make sure your younger/older sister are married so that the line is clear for us ;)If you have a younger or older brother make sure he remains unmarried so that I can flirt with him when you go on business trips. Also It wont hurt to have a handsome dad who will serve the same purpose. I have been spending sleepless nights thinking about you.

Etan, Cheriya request Please don't wax your legs, I don’t like my mallu boy metro sexual I just like him sexual. This way when you turn up your lungi (Good ventilation) and show your legs the visual sight of your hirsute le(o)gs will keep me floored despite the unbearable stench from your unwashed undie! (VIP Frenchie ???? Indigenous Komanam????? )

Etan, our love story has a brutus! My Achchan! He doesnt like mallu boys. He thinks his Reva Kochchu will become a waitress in a Tea Kada if she marries a Mallu Boy :( ( He loves banana chips and shakeela though!!! Hypocrisy I say!!!! )

He might put our love on a free trial period and might even guarantee to take your mollu back if he is not satisfied with you. He wants to interview you and test our IQ. So in addition to Malayalam Manorama make sure you read the Manorama Yearbook, Washington Post, Sciam.com, Did you know series, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Sarita, Vanita, Mangalam, Playboy, Letters to Penthouse.... This way even if you don't win me atleast you will win Master Mind on BBC and we can use this to appeal to my dad and convince him.

So Make sure your humor is as good as Lal etan's and legs as strong as Mamooty so that when you propose to me and my dad objects we can both run away as fats as your legs can carry(Yes I will be in your arms and you will be carrying me while we run away!)

(Am demonstrating my convincing abilities here, I wont have much trouble in convincing me into making me the beneficiary in your will and Insurance :P)

I promise to stay by you through receding hairlines and will gift your yearly subscriptions to www.wegrowhair.com
I promise to let you have your boy's day out when I am in the 'wrong' position of the month.
I promise to pray that your favorite football team wins.
I promise not to let distance come between us (Keep your friends close enemies closer :))

In return please promise me that we shall live happily ever after like the 2 lovebirds below :)



P.S . Pls brush your teeth daily, tooth extraction is very painful. No? Read my "Its a girl" post. Also I hate bad breath when you give me a good night kiss! :)

Okay etan moi going to sleep! Ummmahhh!!! Have you turned into a prince? :P

P.S I will blow you good night kiss everyday (Flowers will cross in the screen when we kiss and people can't see! see etan I'm a midiki :P and soon we will have kids born through cross pollination! :D

Signed,
Kollengode Mollu

Related Post: To my 'Tam Brahm GF's agonising aunt'

Yes! Me! Stay away from me! I am/was the girl you love to hate and the girl your parents hate to love! I am/was the nerdy, geeky first bencher who takes all notes diligently*(see footnote) , sits in the first bench runs after the professor after a class for references to additional reading material(really for those additional internal marks ;)

I was an Arrears Virgin(Don't read that as A Rear Virgin!!! Phew!! You perverted people. Such blasphemous thoughts!See footnote "Pssst" of * ), Never failed a single exam from Kindergarten! Never knew what it felt like!! My not so virgin friends have called it a harrowing experience**(Footnote)....Failing in exams and accumulating arrears. So I always wanted to play it safe and cleared every exam a.k.a Hermione of the H potter fame.

So it came as a bolt from the blue to me that after 18 years of schooling ( LKG/UKG/Class 1 to 12 and 4 yrs of B.Eing ) that I flunked in one of the exams that was made mandatory at my workplace for career advancement.

I thought I had already hit rock bottom when I was told the exam was mandatory but failing it was like throwing me a shovel to dig more into the bottomless pit I was already in! I plunged into the depths of despair with no hope or redemption , the only light at the end of the tunnel being that I was allowed a second attempt at cracking it or at making an utter fool of myself all over again.

Now is when I introduce you to Sly Fox (No , that's not his real name but that's what I'll call him for the remaining of my blogging days whenever I conveniently need to use him or his writings! :D)

So my dear readers , Meet Sly. Sly , Meet the Readers.

More about Sly in a separate Post. Ladies! that's a Post you want to come back to my blog for ....This is really a very cheap trick to increase the visits to my blog! :P You would have fallen for it if I hadn't told you so. So one point to me for revealing the cheat code.

Pt Summary :

Moi: 1
You : 0

Speaking of cheat codes I still haven't found a game that fascinates me as much as God of the wars does! Are they coming out with any new releases? Need to check. For those of you who haven't played the game ! Et tu Brutus! You are a disgrace to the fellowship of couch potatoes.Get yourself a console and a controller and game on! God of war. All work and no play made Jack a dead man and Jill a wealthy widow.

So scene cut back to me the damsel in distress in the depths of despair. I burn the midnight oil(It was my turn to pay the electricity bill and I was banking on spiderman to bail me out since I was going from broke to broken) Spidey was the one who said" With great power comes great responsibility.....and greater electricity bills" :P. Spidey was apparently busy watching Mary Jane in her latest play in Pattaya, Thailand. A lil birdie tells me Mary Jane is now in the much famed Alcazar show and is also a part of the Cirque de Soleil troupe which does awesome shows like Zumanity in Vegas. Kidding! :) But do make it a point to go to the Zumanity show in Vegas if you do get there. And hey! what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.)

I now realise the midnight oil has been burning for a long time so with the oil prices sky rocketing and Saddam Uncle no longer around to discover more wells in the Iraqi land and to cut a long story short I slogged my proverbial booty off and the Dday arrived. Self doubt plagued me like it did Surat years ago and the dire consequences of flunking again loomed over me like the Damocles sword. Sweaty palms, Weeks of unmanicured nails , Un-conditioned hair all owing to time spent on prepping had taken a toll on me and I was irredeemable depressed. I call Sly at 4 in the morning and tell him of my predicament.

Ever the one with a panacea to all plagues he wrote me this which Ill treasure for a lifetime and if this ever gets lucky to be published even rake in the moolah and spare him a dime or two despite no IPR filed by him! :)

This is what he wrote to me:

Are there moments in your life when you feel down? When the whole world seem to be in your face and trying to put you down? Friends not being your friends? Family driving you wild? Work pressure getting to you? Your diet not working? Putting on extra centimeters? Gas prices going up? Not able to bring world peace? Lingerie going lifeless after just 4 months? What do you do? Give up? No!! What you should do, is to suck it all up, hold your tummy in, walk over to your PC or laptop, log into your Bank account and deposit money into this account
***************. (Last Name Fox Fname Sly)


And then see how things change! Those extra centimeters disappear! Gas prices become affordable! Work will seem like a pleasant dream! Friends will start being your friends! Family will become sane again! The whole world will sing your tune and your lingerie will make you feel super sexy! *conditions apply :). As you can see I have made no mention of World Peace! That's what Beauty Queens are for. And Even after 50 years, if Beauty Queens can't solve the problem, How can SlyInc. solve it? :D

So Feel free to deposit money into this account whenever you feel like
****************
Other Occasions in which you can deposit include b'days, trips, anniversaries, get-together's, parties or any feel good moments including when eating chocolate cake !! ..also there is no upper limit on deposits!!

All Deposits accepted with big smile on face! No Deposit refused or rejected! Deposit Now! All Deposits go towards improving Version 10.0 as well as base versions. All deposits will be given a virtual "receipt" .. 1 or more receipts of values more than 500$ can be redeemed for a peck on cheek!! :D :-*

And the bdays, annivs's, parties need not be mine or hosted by me :D So if you are looking for almost instant gratification, you now know what to do! Spread the word.. See what others have to say about this deposit service.

Tom (from Arkansas ) : " I deposited 1000$ into the a/c and all my troubles dissapeared"
Dick (from Kansas) : " I deposited 1500$ and I won the lottery the next day!!"
Harry (from Alabama) : " I deposited 2000$ and i found true love!"

See how the Direct Deposit (DD ) worked for Tom, Dick & Harry! It can work for you too! So don't waste time! Do it now! And as part of this special offer All DD's of 500$ and more made in the next 72 hours get a one hour evening session at DD free!!

*conditions apply


* In reality I am really a cute dumb lass(And available too!!!, So go to the nearest Ganga Department Store get that Axe Deo , spray it on, Withdraw your last month;s salary from the ATM and take me out! :) Kidding!
Pssst.....Dad is also reading this blog! Maybe potential future dates too so! So ahem! Ahem! I'm strictly Unavailable :) ) fooling you into believing I am all that I am claiming to be.

**Yeha Amigos! Girls can crack crude and off color jokes too! Its my blog remember! My rules! Its either my way or highway. No patronising about how the woman of today are no longer coy and demure and no longer do your bidding!

P.S. Hoooooooorayyyy!!!!I cleared the exam!!!! By all standards with Distinction! Summa Cum Laude!