Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Motherhood is a myth - Straw sucks - Is what my sister had to say when I spoke to her this morning after BRUSHING, FLOSSING and SWISHING the MOUTHWASH in my teeth
(Death potion) 2 times.

Here I share with you all some core management concepts that I took away from the hour long conversation. I wish I could pass on the tummy ache that I got from laughing during the call.

Most kids lock themselves in the loo. But not my Straw (1.9 yr old nephew) the future management guru! Straw locked his mother in loo, eventually let her out and got kudos from his Grandparents for knowing how to unlock the bathroom door.
Management lesson: Outwit your enemy. Corner him when no one is around and then publicly free him. You will become a corporate hero.

When my sister feeds straw, who is a glutton for mischief and sadly not food, he decided to take matters into his tiny hands. Everytime took her hand to his mouth he cunningly twisted it back to her mouth feeding her with his food instead, making her fatter.
Management lesson: Floor your aggressor with your innocence and make them eat their own humble pie. Deflect all missiles (read attempts to make you work) deftly! Corporate maneuver ing.

Carries a sad face when she reprimands him.
Management lesson: Always let your bosses have the first say but have the last word. And the pout,, smile and floor them with your magnetic charm. If you are a woman you know what the last word, pout and charm are all about.
Fake it. Gain sympathy.

The neighborhood girl bullied and humiliated Straw because she could run faster than him. The next day he stood in the balcony with a menacing look on the face when she came from school and blew the wind out of her.
Management lesson: Look aggressive. Looking the part gets half the work done.

Straw hides underwear under the bed. When my sister or her family try to find it he "locates" it (wink! Wink!) for them and gets praised for his “finding” skills.
Management lesson: Plant an issue. Hide it where no one else can find it. Then find it and claim credit. Account Director material – Finding work extensions for the organization!

Straw undresses and dances on the table to entertain his mother just when she is about to slap the little rascal for the hard time he gives her.
Management lesson: We have all heard of the fabled wolf that comes in sheep's or Prada or Calvin Klein clothes to devour the sheep. Which brings us to realize that in the modern corporate jungle we need to dress or undress for the part. If you were working for David Letterman or Bill Clinton you probably undressed.

Although he is the darling of the house he looked to conquer other hearts. And how he did that is a classic management concept.
When my father calls Straw he answers the phone and asks who is speaking. And after he does the voice recognition check on my dad he hands the phone to my sister acting super cool and blasé like which panics my dad who thinks he is probably not giving Straw the time and attention he deserves because of his work schedule. He asks my sister to hand the phone back to him so he can pamper him with nice words.
Double bonus here. 2 lessons from one act.
Management lesson 1: Act cool and indifferent. Like you don’t give a damn. People would then want to be on your "priority" list. Be an attention whore, Only don't oversell! Downplay. Less is sometimes more.
Management lesson 2: Even when business is good (at home), don't stop looking for new opportunities(outside of home).

But the sisterhood of lafemmereva had the last laugh.

Straw’s doctor classified him underweight and put him on a strict rich diet that requires him to eat 6 times a day with a target weight to be achieved in 3 weeks. Else he has to swallow a bitter pill everyday!

He ! he! BS (B*llshit) may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. There, classic management lesson!

And my sister, like every other woman, had the last word.

It was what our quick gun and very fun Murugan would say - Mind it, Baby!

So how do we forget these core competencies when we grow up and go to our workplaces and reach out to self help books by authors that laugh their way to the bank simply for feeding us we were fed on as toddlers?

Because between taking your first steps and when you climb the first rung of the corporate ladder is a quarter life crisis that the author will write about, live from the loo, soon. Yes, From the loo! because that is the only time my bladder, intestine and mind are brimming with creative and other juices.

Right now I have to go blame my flat mate for burning the toast that I accidentally left in the toaster :P

And here I come...! ...This time around I have no answers to the world’s ills. Just more quizzical questions. As they (who?) say – the older you get the better you get.

Me thinks – the older – the more perplexed!

Here goes my catechism.

1. What's short, sweet and lasts a week?
My paycheck.

2. What’s long, hard and makes you sweat in the nights?
Shae! Dirty minds! Work Nights. what else?

3. I'm finally in my flirty 30's but I will not be 31 or 32 the next year or the one after that - True statement. How?
Because Tooth#31 and Tooth #32 are now decoratives in the bowl that whets the wet dream of my definitely male betta

Visit to the torture chamber Dentist : A female colleague from work in the dentist’s waiting area with the most immaculate teeth ever. Wonder why she needs a dentist. Wait. Definitely porcelain dentures. Made in China.
Exchange pleasantries while she pleasantly bares her pearlies and I deftly move over to death sorry! dentist’s chair:

Dentist: Born in Mumbai, Made in America. Deadly female species. Pours over my mouth while I go one tooth and several dollars lesser.

L/reva's Dentis ‘isms”:

• “You should brush your teeth” Yes, My mother tells me that for FREE.
• “Did you have all these problems in India” No, because they don’t sell toothbrushes there. We still brush with neem twigs (which by the way are more cost and medicinally effective than Oral B brushes that flex your muscles more than themselves!)
• “You should floss” Yes! with moss. Because I’ve tried everything else.
• “Your gums are weak. You should get hem checked often” My bank balance is weak too which makes me get my eyes checked more often to make sure I’m seeing the balance right!
• “You might bleed a bit during the procedure” 2 Trays were changed because they resembled the lagoons in my hometown in Kerala. Only the liquid in this lagoon wasn't colorless but bright,red and didn’t have women in petticoats bathing in it. Or men in Lungi’s half squatting doing their “thing” with a chombu (vessel) in hand.
• “You should eat rich food” Yeah maybe that will compensate for my current state of dental, mental and fiscal poverty .
• “You should use this *** mouthwash for a clean mouth” Yes for a clean stomach too. Because the chlororhexadiene tastes like phenyl mixed with wheat grass juice that clean your teeth and appetite for hours!

4. What is color psychology at work?
Black and Red are corporate colors that spell "Serious Business". Using them to portray a tough “I am a meanie” image of you at work is how, my dear sugar and honey pots, we women let color psychology do the talking at work.

Black
To show your hard mettle, the tough fabric of morality that your character is made of and your undying determination to persist through very straining times at work show go black. It will make everyone else go banana pale yellow.
In days of yore Priests wore black to signify submission to God. Black means you surrender to work. Work encompasses your life. You are the woman on top ;)
Friendly and noted leaders, like Dracula, often wear black. Fear. Donning black makes you look fearless. Like Mamta Kulkarni, who I heard is naming a train after herself. I can already read the headlines. Mamta Express derailed.

Red
Color of love. You love what you do. Work. You absolutely love waking up at 7 in the morning driving 20 miles to look at black, white and red screens and beating the same 20 miles back to get to home just in time to catch the late night show with David Letterman or watch Abhishek and Aishwarya on Oprah - Thankfully this time Oprah is made to wear a saree. Because no length of saree is enough to cover any part of her!

So there I go in Black Nail polish and Paan stained Red teeth to work for one full week. True statement. I can get a colleague to testify. (I bought him a white shirt. Think White, Think Peace! Think White coats, Think Dentist. SHUDDER!)

That’s another fundamental principle of color psychology. Camouflage, The boss sits in another office. Hee, Hee! Hayyo!

5. What needs to go up for you to know how far below in rock bottom you are?
Hope. And maybe a dwindling bottom. Sorry. Let me correct that, Yes! A dwindling posterior. But more on that later.

6. Define Hope?
That exotic dancer that on whom I accidentally spilt buttermilk in a flight to Las Vegas.
What we live on when everything else goes the gravity way – DOWN.
What keeps our spirits up – Wait a minute, Innit the other way round? Don’t spirits (Tequila, Vodka, Margarita) keep our hope up?

7. Dwindling posterior?
Excessive sitting on your posterior in office chair leads to a loss of grey and muscle matter. So 5 miles a day on the pacific coast highway. Sigh! The bottom is hard hit L

I hope you ladies have your Kleenex ready because you are just going to drool like b*tches.

Picture this.
Comfortably ensconced on a promontory in the western most point in Southern California overlooking the sea on a Full Moon night. Wind blowing through my long freshly Semi Permanent Burgundy Brown hair. A very tall and dear friend in the vicinity pensively watching the whole Pacific Coast raging against the cliffs.

Walking in the 3rd street Promenade, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Strip that house all the designer brands in the world. Pseudo Parisian High!

If I’ve been working hard, I’ve been partying HARDER!

I’m 25 years young for the next 12 days and I’m living it up in LA.

Bah! Dum di da dee!!

This is my real story. All characters are definitely alive and kicking.

You are not the first to read this story. D.Rishi had the privilege of the first read today evening. After reading he said "It was poetic justice for what I did to you".

Circa 1988 Thursday 11:59 am- My name was B.Reva. I was in UKG - B section. I wore green shirt flaps. I was very short, fat and resembled a mud roller, faintly, when I walked.

It was recess time. I was drinking the Bournvita that the domestic help brought to school everyday. Kids were playing in the hot sun in the playground. The Bournvita unleashed the animal in me. We ran to the playground - My tummy and I.

From nowhere a boy pelted a stone at my tummy. The last words I heard were a kid's voice saying "Short, stout, looser " My tummy and I doubled in pain. The perpetrator was D.Rishi. Dog Rishi! The other kids jeered, booed and called me a wuss before the hot sun closed in on me.

I went home crying. Mom inquired. I narrated the woeful tale. She asked me to watch Camouflage Animal watch - a Discovery Channel video. In retrospect I think I learnt my first valuable lesson in life that day - How an animal camouflages and waits at it's prey's usual watering hole.

Circa 1988 Friday 11:59 am

Same setting - Help has brought the drink . This time, Boost. Secret of my energy. His back is turned to me. I make timid steps. D. Rishi is having a sandwich in the shades of the mangrove in the distance. I crouch towards him stealthily. I pick up a stone and hurl it at him. Stone's trajectory makes a parabolic motion and he turns his head just in time to see it coming at him, full throttle, with the velocity of Soviet WW rocket. 4 of his incisors were history that day. They were permanent teeth.

Mother cheered from the pavement nearby. The domestic help whistled. After all they were the architects of the victory. Mother picked the weapon. Domestic help delivered it to me, with Boost.

The secret of my victory, Our Victory - Boost.

Circa 2008 Tuesday 6:37 pm XYZ Airport.

My name is B.Reva. I am in zyx Company. I wear Manolo Blahnik.

I was leafing through a magazine. A man sat next to me. He occupied two seats. Reflex action - I checked him out. I saw a flash of white. I leaned to take a closer look. His incisors were whiter than the rest of the teeth. He was short and stout. He was yakking on phone. I heard my school's name . He was on a roll. So was his tummy. He hung up. I asked his name.

I asked if he remembered B.Reva. He held his breath. He complimented that I was not how he remembered me or how he thought I would turn out to be. Shy came. I blushed a bit. A dog owner passed by. My Train of thoughts - Dog. Rishi. Dog Rishi. Boost. Animal. Camouflage. Prey. Mother. D/Help. Pavement. Cheer. Victory.

We hugged customarily and promised to "Poke" each other on Facebook.

Circa 2008 Tuesday 6:57 pm XYZ Airport

Last boarding call for me. His flight was a couple of hours after mine. I called my mother trying to balance a piece of paper in one hand and the phone in the other. I said a few words. Mother cheered. She said I had given myself my best birthday present ever. It was my birthday, that day. I was born at 6:57 PM. Talk about timing.

D.Rishi missed his flight. His boarding pass, a piece of paper needed to board a flight, was missing. Security issues. They refused to print him a new one unless he cleared security again. He waited 2 more hours before they could get him a new one for the next flight.

Later on that night he thought felt a tug when he hugged me. He thought it was his tummy coming in our way. Not my hand reaching for the paper which I held in my hand while telling Mother what I had done and trashed in a dumpster before boarding.

I need to go now and "Poke" him on Facebook.

He says we are now officially even.

Moral of the story - Mummy knows best . So stop sucking your thumb :P !!!

Of late I have been working extended hours.Yawn! Some general, lame, corny excuse of the last order about giving some worth in return for the money I take home:P I know!

It would have been be a sacrilege if I hadn't taken time off to watch Adam "Guy Liner wearing" Lambert's performance on today's Idol.

And publicize my allegiance to him in my status in Orkut, Facebook, Office email signature ...Wait a minute!!!

Adam is definitely one of the most innovative singer ever on Idol and there is yet another feather in this lad's hat as an outcome of his performance tonight. Of course, it takes a L/reva, bestowed with the powers of acute observation to bring such monumental feats to your attention.

Only a A. Lambert can :

• Get away with "performing" in a blue movie light setting and also have his family watch him LIVE in "action":P
• And actually also have America vote for him for the same.
• And maybe even go on to win the idol.
• And maybe even make a record.
• And delay our bed time because we need to blog about some random thing so as to entertain faithful blog readers personalities like Adam Lambert seeing whom male teens get a brainwave to cut costs by sharing their girlfriend's eyeliner and black nail shade, all to look fashionable. (Maybe its PAYBACK time. We stole their fashion -trousers, shirts even ties. They steal our liner ,black nail shades and long hairstyles. A very karma levelling phenomenon).
  
• And have you and me get our lazy bottoms to work in the morning so we can download his song from torrent itunes.

Some get Geisha Facials, Some get leech therapy. Now we are all not such extremists.
So we will just pull a face, stick our tongues and get young!

That is what Happy Face Yoga teaches us to do.

Now if you are looking to pepper in some office fun, call your workmates and give a session with a live demo. Ensure everyone participates. Interactive session and all.

If possible keep a picture of boss facing while you do this.

You may substitute the picture of boss for anyone else's as you deem fit. Free will. Full fun.

WARNING: Make sure no kids are around.

Part 2 is here

Dress to Kill: Looking the part is almost always as important as doing the part for a raise or even to stay where you are. So if all else fails, dress the part. If your aim is to be at home on that couch then begin to dress the part NOW!!!

Wear Boxer shorts/lungi (preferably pink)/sleeveless night gowns (if you are a female),Slippers/Sandals(Unisex -No gender distinction or shoe polish here!). DO NOT Iron your clothes. Go for the out-of-the-bed grunge look. Remember Main Hoon Na!? If you are a female wear jewelry like you are modeling for a jewelry ad. All that sheen and the dazzling brilliance from your jewelry will blind your co-worker's eyes and ruin their concentration thereby causing them to make mistakes. This way along with yourself you can actually ensure many co-workers exit too. After all misery loves company!

DO NOT:

* Comb you hair. Be Natural. If possible Oil your hair with any herbal oil the smell of which can drive even a skunk away. You don't blow dry your hair to be at home do you?The aim is to kill two birds with one stone - Make sure you are sent home and ensure that you start acclimatising yourself to the way you are going to live after your mission of being shown the door out of work is accomplished.

* Use a Deodorant: Go Green. Deodorants are toxic. You are the (meeting minutes document)
shredding-recycling-not-deodorant-wearing types.

* Eat Garlic: An apple a day keeps a doctor away. A garlic a day keeps everyone away ....

* Update your contact info: Unless you want to be contacted about your pension fund deposit
do not update your contact info anywhere. Leave a fake number in
your email signature - for example a cab service.

Co-Worker : Hello, can you tell us how to fix this code?
Cabbie : Where are you right now?
Co-Worker : Im in the 12th line.
Cabbie : Sure sending a cab right away to 12th street

Leave the rest to the mexican cabbie and your co-worker.

And even if by now you have survived all attempts like in a God Of War game and are still gainfully employed, that my dear friend is sure shot sign that recession or not you will be fine because you are a survivor, and a damned determined one at that! Ergo, Your job is for you to keep for Lady Luck is smiling on you and like it or not you are a damned good worker OR you are the BOSS of the company to get away scot free!!

So which one are you?
Me too….A damned good worker :)

Part 1 is here

Let's start with the elevator: If you spot your boss in the elevator DO NOT let it pass. Dance on the chance. Make sure you "accidentally" drop your cup of coffee on his expensive suit.

If you do not have a cup of coffee in your hand then Plan B. Yawn loudly! no ,Growl! and blame it on lack of caffeine, Tell everyone in the lift (ensure your boss hasn't got one of those pesky little Ipod/Zune types on!) how your spouse snore last night was louder than the roar of the spectators in the stands in the match you were catching live on television last night and how you couldn't catch much sleep - because your favorite team lost the match. Look around to ensure your spouse is not in the lift. After all you do need them to financially support you in your domesticated stay-at-home phase. As you get out of the elevator try to step in your boss's way and let him topple. Do not help him to his feet. Stand and laugh - The same way he laughed at that report you submitted to him last week on why you thought you should be given a raise. If he survives this , then get into your office and as your boss tries to make his way through the door beat him to it and slam the door on his face. The bridge in your boss's nose shouldn't be the only thing broken after that. In return your access card will be broken by him. Who cares. Tit for Tat - He thinks! He may have won the battle, But you have just won the war and claimed your kingdom - the couch at home!

If any of the above works, even before you make your way up to your cubicle you will make your way out in the same elevator you came in.

Break Room: Admit it. If you are reading this you are probably the sort who takes work breaks between breakfast/tea/lunch/snack/browsing sessions. So you spend a palpable amount of your office time in the breakroom hanging out with mates and checking out office "hot" property that come in various colors like blondes, brunettes and redheads.

Start hanging out in the breakroom closest to the boss's office. Talk loudly about how you remain glued to your seat in the office all the time only because you are watching videos on Youtube in the office desktop. If Youtube is banned at work, brag about how you almost saw a morning- matinee-evening show in your portable-dvd-player, that you brought to work last week. If you have an arch nemesis at your workplace whom you want to take down with you take his/her name and mention how he/she also enjoyed the movie. Sink or Swim together. You can arbitrarily also blow your trumpet about how you spent the last day of the last quarter not tabling your results but by playing table tennis flash game.

And the boss will ensure that you/arch nemesis spend the rest of your days gaming comfortably at home with your kid or your neighbor's kid. Genius!

Meetings: Where despite high levels of caffeine and words being poured you still doze blissfully.Take lots of food (bananas, groundnuts, yogurt) to all meetings. Tell them you are saving lunch time. Peel the banana , try and aim for the nearest trash can to throw the peel and miss the goal. Peel the skin off the groundnuts and let it fly. Scoop the yogurt with your fingers and lick every last bit of it clean and give everyone in the meeting room a high-five.

My space: The only personal space we seem to be getting these days is probably in Myspace.com. Roomates, long lost Ex-es, Friends, Spouses, Kids are all invading our personal space like those masked men in the movie Watchmen. This is your most valuable asset unless you are Pamela Anderson. Deny them just that. Yes, while talking to your client in a meeting get as close as you can, stare into the eye and spray it! That's right. Don't just say, Let words spray out of your mouth in such a way that it leaves the other party drenched! To top it all off we are famous for our "nods" and hand gestures. Wave your hands in their faces.

Your next stop will be eating the food remnants of your couch for that's where you will be for the rest of your life. If you have kids or a nephew you know what I am talking about w.r.t food on couch. Else , wait till you have one! My nephew almost has a whole lost treasure hidden in my sister's couch. I even once found my sister's platinum chain hung around a rubber tadpole's neck in her couch with some poop-colored-substance hardened on it. The feeling - Priceless. Since I am selective about reality I choose to believe it was chocolate and not poop as it may well could have very possibly been.

Is that pesky little job just not leaving you? Click here for more.

Gentlemen,
Are you tired of waking up every morning with your pet salivating all over you and your girlfriend /wife/mother prodding you to go to work to rake in the moolah like every man from the stone age has been doing? Heck! The stone age man didn't have to dress did he? A few leaves here and there did the trick. Not so much for the nouveau corporate animal, such as you, who has to dress up for the corporate jungle. Tired of sucking it up to your boss for that bog fat promotion or just to keep your job? Sick of long days and all those work calls that make your short nights even shorter? Do you yearn to be a homemaker (house husband may not seem very gentleman-like) or just a domesticated man with the only score to keep up being on a game in your handheld PSP?

Girls,
Sick of having to be domestically accomplished and having to kick-your-boyfriend/husband-out of-bed/dropping kid-off at- playschool/snaking-your-way-through-city-traffic-to-work routine? Does work have no purpose in your life other than to pay bills? Wished you could have a more meaningful existence by being at home with your kid and watching him grow into a man(like the one you married) for another female to go through the same agony as you are going through with the one you married ? Do you wish the only bossing around that happened was you calling the shots and the house maid doing the bidding rather than your boss making you dance to his tunes for the pittance he pays in return? Want to care for your aging parents than some aging archive at work? Do you want to be a homemaker or just a domesticated woman happily scooping your precious's poop or sharing a hot cuppa with your mom in those afternoons before the little devils come back from school?

Nodding in agreement?

BUT...You cannot take the big step of quitting work because economic instability looms large in the air and your nagging spouse/parent/peer pressure won't let you!! Well!! Well!!! Here are some sure-shot-as-hell ways to be given the pink slip. Now is your chance to blame it on recession. Quick, before times get better and it starts raining paychecks and dare I say it - bonuses again!

(If you are a man of questionable orientation you may be given pink slips for various other reasons).

Violations of work etiquette almost always are taken very seriously and there is no escaping the pink slip. And then Freedom to BE!!!!!! Aazadi Dil Ki!! With a pink slip given nothing will now stop your frm leading that life you've always dreaming. Being the King/Queen of the couch and ruling it!!!!

So violate you will and how?!!!!

...Click here to know how - Part 2

Here and there you see it everywhere,
I as well had my own share!!
Addictions and desires evermore,
to be light so with the wind i can soar!!

I tried so hard to shed it all,
I tried everything including running in the fall!!
Gyms and pools did not help much,
the pants did not loosen and no miracles as such!!

Sadness galore and helpless I felt,
depression looming but still no fat did melt!!
Protiens and lipids all swimming in fat,
all hopes gone and in brooding silence I sat!!

Forcefully packed off to a different land,
miseries enough to hide face in hand!!
In distress I started eating healthy,
the first effect was that I was more wealthy!!

Salads from chipotle lentil and white rice,
there was salt and pepper but no sign of any spice!!
Three meals a day with no munches in the middle,
the tummy was a bit bored with the mind solving the riddle!!

One fine day I decided to buy the scale,
to check how heavy I was so that I could once more wail!!
Oh my god I never believed what I saw,
from a seventy(kgs)to one twenty five(lbs) against all law!!

For years I had tried to reduce the load,
and all efforts went in vain on the long road!!
But when it was time it did come true,
fate was the winning ship and me in its crew!!

My miseries gone, my sadness flew,
the beautiful smile was there once again in lieu!!
I did the jig, a butterfly dance, and a leap in the sky,
I felt that my small dream was no more a lie!!

How much does Barbie weigh?
"He loves me" , "He loves me not" , "He loves me ", "He loves me not" ...And so I went harping to myself about whether Johnny Depp loved me or not when suddenly Sly came into my room and said "Hey chubby Girl!!!"!!!

Chubby!!! Me? I considered myself to be a girl to whom God had been extra generous, in whom he pumped extra air in some places that made me the bouncy girl that I am today, not Chubby!

I used the hotline and called N. N ate and exercised like a spartan and she looked like a Grecian Goddess. I heard her voice on the other line.
N : "Hey Sweets, whatcha doing?"
Moi: "Hey N! How much does Barbie weigh?"
N : "Duh!! Whats with you...I dunno maybe 110 pounds!"
Moi: "What does she eat everyday? "[N is a voracious reader of all the evil beauty magazines which promote low self esteem amongst well fed and healthy but slightly borderline cases)
N : "Raw vegetables and Cabbage Soup. And Camel milk as soon as she wakes up in the morning. You could try and tell me if the diet works for you".
I thought to myself yeah sure it will work, the subsequent diarrhea will enable me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Why didn't I think of that!

Now I have introduced sly before so no more "Meet sly the Incredible Hulk , errr....sorry Hunk!" However a story now here about him to add color:

I have never known anyone other than sly who orders a Baconator at MacD, Large Potato Wedges and a DIET COKE! (Duh!). He has his sumptuous dinner puts on his Sunday best and by that I mean pajamas, woollen socks, hiking boots, sweater(to add pounds to the scale), drinks a whole (can) glass of "healthy" orange juice(Sunny D! like Ellen Paige in Juno) and holds the burp(he thinks gas adds to the weight!),removes his eyewear(He thinks blurred vision helps him read 180 as 130!) and gets on the bathroom scale. He weighs himself with all the above accessories included which add up to a few pounds and the next morning undresses himself completely and weighs in and feels good about loosing a few extra pounds while sleeping :)

Digressing a bit Sly is the sort of guy who minus his spectacles went and rubbed the back of his boss's daughter in an office party who was wearing white mink fur mistakenly thinking it was his boss's Maremma(a white sheep dog)! Flowers crossed(Love bloomed like in Mallu movies when flowers cross to indicate people are in love!) and ever since Sly has been promoted 3 times!

BTW Did you know? Sly's birthday wish was to give backward spiderman kiss to his boss's daughter?

Sly tells me that the best exercise to loose weight is to shake your head! Turn your head from left to right everytime someone offers you food to say "No" and voila you have burned all the calories without even getting off your butt!

I was always in shape(Yeah Round is a shape!). Work brought me to the US of A where clothes from the petites section of any Macy's or JC Penny's make me look like a Trapeze artist in circus act baggying around my shoulders and cinching at my waistline.

On a more serious note women of today need to prove themselves everywhere. To prove half their worth they need to work twice as much, do we want to promote low self esteem amongst young girls of today and make them prone to suffer from bulimia, anorexia and malnutrition to make them feel beautiful?

We have no one else to blame but ourselves and the media for stories of models who starve themselves and of freak incidents of deaths even.

I recently came across this and will NOT comment on the article but in case you missed it here you go!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-552792/Size-16-Miss-England-hopeful-Chloe-unveils-curvy-look-official-bikini-shoot.html

http://www.cwtv.com/thecw/gen-gallery-antm10-models/14/13

Sly once told me of a woeful tale when he gifted his boss's daughter a diamond ring and she burst into tears. Sly presumed they were tears of joy and was thoroughly touched when she wailed saying "Oh, this ring makes my finger look fat!"

Well maybe , diamonds aren't a girl's best friend after all! :)

I intended to write a full length post on this but I got caught in the mundane chores of coloring the nail on my little finger and taking the tag off my first Saks Fifth Avenue sweater! I wanted to laugh off the whole episode so here goes...

If only being a woman were any easier...And if only Monday mornings started off any better!( All this happened on a monday)

In what twisted world is there a rule which says that marriage validates a woman's being?

It all started off with a call my "Tam Brahm" girl friend who in a couple of months will have completed a quarter of a century on Planet Earth.

She is also a proud aunt of a darling nephew who is soon to turn "troublesome one!" New Mothers would sure know why "one" is so troublesome.

Call Summary from the "Tam-Brahm" in distress as follows:

The excitement of a newborn at home turning one shifted the focus away from her "singleness" for a while since the focus was shifted to where the little one would have his head tonsured for the ceremony and where he would have his ear pierced(Let's just say that now when they get his ears pierced he may cry but fast forwarding several years to him as a teeny bopper, when history repeats and he pierces well his whatever! ,He will have had his last laugh of the whole episode!)

Soon after all the subtleties are dealt with (including major decisions like whether the lady next door who didn't send an invite for a similar function at home needs to be invited ) she was back to fielding all he queries they usually ask her,forgoing any preamble,"Why cant u like marry a tam brahm" ?? " Why cant we place and ad in the newspaper" Your aunt knows of a cousin who is your father's uncle's wife's sister's grandson! He is an IIT graduate, works in San Jose in Silicon Valley(Is silicon valley in San Jose or San Jose in Silicon Valley!!!! Phew!!) and has a Honda accord! (Why do all desis get a Honda or a Toyota Camry? Do Honda and Toyota manufacture cars for Indians living in America? !! Why not a Nissan Sentra err.....Altima ;)) Psstttt... I own an Altima.


The species of aunts are the only ones which have survived Darwin's natural selection and have infiltrate their way through the system landing pat right on their butts in our homes sipping teas in our courtyards helping the likes of KKKKKta Kpppppprr make millions spinning yarn that might have placed India right at the top of the countries exporting Yarn. These "friendly" aunts who do a wedding hopping in the vain search of a potential victim at the altar of the arranged marriage have now zeroed in on her. Why can't they just go become franchisees of some home based business?

Presumably she is a smart, young cosmopolitan woman "Tam Brahm" who has reached the "right age and the "right" thing for me to do is find the "right" guy?Right? Wrong!

She for one is a die hard romantic at heart who has a spirit of romantic adventurism in her... who likes her men classy & clean shaven(French Beard is a thumbs up!),is the fun"nest" person to be with, has a sharp sense of humour and is surprisingly bohemian yet conventional in a way that makes her the most unique and the most "eligible. She is what a Maya Angelo would call A "Phenomenal Woman"

So my sincere plea to her "Agonising Aunts" Let her find her suitable or unsuitable man/frog :D

Related Posts : Open letter to my one and only Mallu Chekkan!

DISCLAIMER: To all men reading this post, you are either my best friend, good friend, casual acquaintance , cousin, workmate, current boss, ex boss, current boyfriend, ex boyfriend , father or just another bored techie looking to spice up yet another afternoon at work . This post was written on one of my bad "code" days ( midnights!) when my program unit like my life was refusing to compile. I had to debug the bug in my code and life and fiction seemed to be the best debugging tool available.

So if you are a non mallu and fall into any of the categories above read it, pretend it tickled your funny bone, be gracious to leave a comment ,exit the page but make a reference of this page to a Funny, Jovial, Educated Mallu friend of yours (Who doesn’t wear a horn rimmed spectacle and prefers Brylcream to coconut oil!) and in return I'll name my second born after you :) I christened my first born as Silk Matha( Pls refer my "It's a Girl " Post! )

If you however are my "Neo"(Mallu/Palghat Pattar! :) enter the following loop and if you find an exit well go ahead and exit while you still can!

1. Open your wallet
2. Take your card out. No! Not that one, the one with the maximum credit limit. Yes, That card which can buy anything except “priceless” articles of interest!
3. Go to http://www.tiffany.com(i know you want to go to http://www.ebay.com! I will make you sleep on the couch!)
4. Buy a ring (No, not the Lord of the ring, DVD! You silly!) not less than 10 carat and come find me ! I will live happily ever after and well for you!! Hahahahahha!!!!! Poda Vattan!!! You just bought your suicide weapon (The ring!) In case you haven't realized by now that this is a never ending loop.

This loop iterates every anniversary with step 3 changing to http://www.manoloblahniks.com, http://www.chanel.com,http://www.botox.com and finally http://www.allmymoneyisyours.com :)

Read on this page from my fantasy book...

My dear Kunja Etan,

I have been looking a lot for you lately .Are you thinking of me right now like I am thinking of you? Are you looking for me in www.shaadi.com and www.jeevansaathi.com RIGHT NOW hoping I pop up on your screen? No? Turn off Pop up Blocker!

I am a very sweet innocent (with a long standing history of verbally and physically challenging her current and ex boyfriends:) The last one was left reproductively challenged after he refused to take me to timbuktu!) kollengode mollu.

Its becoming very hard to fantasize a nameless being Atleast send me a picture of ANY organ of your body, that I could use to dream about!

There is a scene that I often play in my head Etan. I promise you its very original and not a rip off from any fairy tale.....

(It is well almost midnight and I am dreaming of that day when I graduate from School with my Master's degree and well its the proverbial Graduation party. I wear my Glass Slippers and at the stroke of 12, I run away from the party because I need to rush to the loo. Bladder filled with enough water for a year’s supply of “wet” dreams!

And you come after me just in time to catch my leg before I rush into the "girls" room and my Manolo Blahnik gets caught in your hands )

Do you also write such novels in your head? Am I the Parvathi of a Suresh Gopi like you?

Have you ever noticed how most of the long standing marriages and the most successful couples like Ray and Deb of Everybody loves Raymond, Chandler and Monica of Friends, Mr and Mrs Simpson are all oddly couples of the exact opposite nature? If you are the Burger I will be the fries, together we shall make a perfect combo! In short I’ll be your better and bitter half!

I am not ready to marry you yet not Etan, coz like Britney says..I am not a girl not yet a woman :) But soon I will be so till then this is ALL I ask of you...(For now!)

Have enough girlfriends till we start dating so that by the time you come to me you are harassed enough and have paid enough restaurant bills and have had enough phone fights but also have enough reasons to break up with them after you meet me.

If you haven't learn to drive yet please do, I want to dress up like Shania Twain in " That don’t impress me much in Strips and Fur and get on your bike and go on long drives and after the drive get off the bike and say "That don't impress me much! "

I also want to go on a cycle with you with me sitting in the front like Goddess Khushboo (Don’t you know a temple was built for her, we should be aware of what’s happening in other states also! Might come in handy during the IQ Test, you’ll understand as you read below) does with “Superstar” Rajini in "Annamalai"

Please learn to make good Idiyappam and Kadala Curry , If you don't know learn from your mom/aunt/grandma next time you go home. I prefer it to expensive Italian/Mexican/Mediterranean food that only a Master Card can buy.

Make sure your younger/older sister are married so that the line is clear for us ;)If you have a younger or older brother make sure he remains unmarried so that I can flirt with him when you go on business trips. Also It wont hurt to have a handsome dad who will serve the same purpose. I have been spending sleepless nights thinking about you.

Etan, Cheriya request Please don't wax your legs, I don’t like my mallu boy metro sexual I just like him sexual. This way when you turn up your lungi (Good ventilation) and show your legs the visual sight of your hirsute le(o)gs will keep me floored despite the unbearable stench from your unwashed undie! (VIP Frenchie ???? Indigenous Komanam????? )

Etan, our love story has a brutus! My Achchan! He doesnt like mallu boys. He thinks his Reva Kochchu will become a waitress in a Tea Kada if she marries a Mallu Boy :( ( He loves banana chips and shakeela though!!! Hypocrisy I say!!!! )

He might put our love on a free trial period and might even guarantee to take your mollu back if he is not satisfied with you. He wants to interview you and test our IQ. So in addition to Malayalam Manorama make sure you read the Manorama Yearbook, Washington Post, Sciam.com, Did you know series, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Sarita, Vanita, Mangalam, Playboy, Letters to Penthouse.... This way even if you don't win me atleast you will win Master Mind on BBC and we can use this to appeal to my dad and convince him.

So Make sure your humor is as good as Lal etan's and legs as strong as Mamooty so that when you propose to me and my dad objects we can both run away as fats as your legs can carry(Yes I will be in your arms and you will be carrying me while we run away!)

(Am demonstrating my convincing abilities here, I wont have much trouble in convincing me into making me the beneficiary in your will and Insurance :P)

I promise to stay by you through receding hairlines and will gift your yearly subscriptions to www.wegrowhair.com
I promise to let you have your boy's day out when I am in the 'wrong' position of the month.
I promise to pray that your favorite football team wins.
I promise not to let distance come between us (Keep your friends close enemies closer :))

In return please promise me that we shall live happily ever after like the 2 lovebirds below :)



P.S . Pls brush your teeth daily, tooth extraction is very painful. No? Read my "Its a girl" post. Also I hate bad breath when you give me a good night kiss! :)

Okay etan moi going to sleep! Ummmahhh!!! Have you turned into a prince? :P

P.S I will blow you good night kiss everyday (Flowers will cross in the screen when we kiss and people can't see! see etan I'm a midiki :P and soon we will have kids born through cross pollination! :D

Signed,
Kollengode Mollu

Related Post: To my 'Tam Brahm GF's agonising aunt'

Hello People,

Yes! Me! Stay away from me! I am/was the girl you love to hate and the girl your parents hate to love! I am/was the nerdy, geeky first bencher who takes all notes diligently*(see footnote) , sits in the first bench runs after the professor after a class for references to additional reading material(really for those additional internal marks ;)

I was an Arrears Virgin(Don't read that as A Rear Virgin!!! Phew!! You perverted people. Such blasphemous thoughts!See footnote "Pssst" of * ), Never failed a single exam from Kindergarten! Never knew what it felt like!! My not so virgin friends have called it a harrowing experience**(Footnote)....Failing in exams and accumulating arrears. So I always wanted to play it safe and cleared every exam a.k.a Hermione of the H potter fame.

So it came as a bolt from the blue to me that after 18 years of schooling ( LKG/UKG/Class 1 to 12 and 4 yrs of B.Eing ) that I flunked in one of the exams that was made mandatory at my workplace for career advancement.

I thought I had already hit rock bottom when I was told the exam was mandatory but failing it was like throwing me a shovel to dig more into the bottomless pit I was already in! I plunged into the depths of despair with no hope or redemption , the only light at the end of the tunnel being that I was allowed a second attempt at cracking it or at making an utter fool of myself all over again.

Now is when I introduce you to Sly Fox (No , that's not his real name but that's what I'll call him for the remaining of my blogging days whenever I conveniently need to use him or his writings! :D)

So my dear readers , Meet Sly. Sly , Meet the Readers.

More about Sly in a separate Post. Ladies! that's a Post you want to come back to my blog for ....This is really a very cheap trick to increase the visits to my blog! :P You would have fallen for it if I hadn't told you so. So one point to me for revealing the cheat code.

Pt Summary :

Moi: 1
You : 0

Speaking of cheat codes I still haven't found a game that fascinates me as much as God of the wars does! Are they coming out with any new releases? Need to check. For those of you who haven't played the game ! Et tu Brutus! You are a disgrace to the fellowship of couch potatoes.Get yourself a console and a controller and game on! God of war. All work and no play made Jack a dead man and Jill a wealthy widow.

So scene cut back to me the damsel in distress in the depths of despair. I burn the midnight oil(It was my turn to pay the electricity bill and I was banking on spiderman to bail me out since I was going from broke to broken) Spidey was the one who said" With great power comes great responsibility.....and greater electricity bills" :P. Spidey was apparently busy watching Mary Jane in her latest play in Pattaya, Thailand. A lil birdie tells me Mary Jane is now in the much famed Alcazar show and is also a part of the Cirque de Soleil troupe which does awesome shows like Zumanity in Vegas. Kidding! :) But do make it a point to go to the Zumanity show in Vegas if you do get there. And hey! what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.)

I now realise the midnight oil has been burning for a long time so with the oil prices sky rocketing and Saddam Uncle no longer around to discover more wells in the Iraqi land and to cut a long story short I slogged my proverbial booty off and the Dday arrived. Self doubt plagued me like it did Surat years ago and the dire consequences of flunking again loomed over me like the Damocles sword. Sweaty palms, Weeks of unmanicured nails , Un-conditioned hair all owing to time spent on prepping had taken a toll on me and I was irredeemable depressed. I call Sly at 4 in the morning and tell him of my predicament.

Ever the one with a panacea to all plagues he wrote me this which Ill treasure for a lifetime and if this ever gets lucky to be published even rake in the moolah and spare him a dime or two despite no IPR filed by him! :)

This is what he wrote to me:

Are there moments in your life when you feel down? When the whole world seem to be in your face and trying to put you down? Friends not being your friends? Family driving you wild? Work pressure getting to you? Your diet not working? Putting on extra centimeters? Gas prices going up? Not able to bring world peace? Lingerie going lifeless after just 4 months? What do you do? Give up? No!! What you should do, is to suck it all up, hold your tummy in, walk over to your PC or laptop, log into your Bank account and deposit money into this account
***************. (Last Name Fox Fname Sly)


And then see how things change! Those extra centimeters disappear! Gas prices become affordable! Work will seem like a pleasant dream! Friends will start being your friends! Family will become sane again! The whole world will sing your tune and your lingerie will make you feel super sexy! *conditions apply :). As you can see I have made no mention of World Peace! That's what Beauty Queens are for. And Even after 50 years, if Beauty Queens can't solve the problem, How can SlyInc. solve it? :D

So Feel free to deposit money into this account whenever you feel like
****************
Other Occasions in which you can deposit include b'days, trips, anniversaries, get-together's, parties or any feel good moments including when eating chocolate cake !! ..also there is no upper limit on deposits!!

All Deposits accepted with big smile on face! No Deposit refused or rejected! Deposit Now! All Deposits go towards improving Version 10.0 as well as base versions. All deposits will be given a virtual "receipt" .. 1 or more receipts of values more than 500$ can be redeemed for a peck on cheek!! :D :-*

And the bdays, annivs's, parties need not be mine or hosted by me :D So if you are looking for almost instant gratification, you now know what to do! Spread the word.. See what others have to say about this deposit service.

Tom (from Arkansas ) : " I deposited 1000$ into the a/c and all my troubles dissapeared"
Dick (from Kansas) : " I deposited 1500$ and I won the lottery the next day!!"
Harry (from Alabama) : " I deposited 2000$ and i found true love!"

See how the Direct Deposit (DD ) worked for Tom, Dick & Harry! It can work for you too! So don't waste time! Do it now! And as part of this special offer All DD's of 500$ and more made in the next 72 hours get a one hour evening session at DD free!!

*conditions apply


* In reality I am really a cute dumb lass(And available too!!!, So go to the nearest Ganga Department Store get that Axe Deo , spray it on, Withdraw your last month;s salary from the ATM and take me out! :) Kidding!
Pssst.....Dad is also reading this blog! Maybe potential future dates too so! So ahem! Ahem! I'm strictly Unavailable :) ) fooling you into believing I am all that I am claiming to be.

**Yeha Amigos! Girls can crack crude and off color jokes too! Its my blog remember! My rules! Its either my way or highway. No patronising about how the woman of today are no longer coy and demure and no longer do your bidding!

P.S. Hoooooooorayyyy!!!!I cleared the exam!!!! By all standards with Distinction! Summa Cum Laude!