Bah!! I haven't started a party and all.

Since polls are the order of the day in India I shall also pander to my audience's fancy by offering them with one:

What pisses you off incurs your wrath more?

Option 1: Staring a vacation series and not taking it to closure?

Option 2: Writing an excuse for a post such as this to apologise for it?

I will not judge your orientation you based on your choice above.

Lafemmereva pleads guilty of clocking 12 hrs everyday doing what, don't ask! and sincerely vows to once in for all blog about the remainder of her vacation series, no later than the end of this week, to explicate herself from the heinous crime of not entertaining her readership.
Bah, Lafemmereva is feeling compunctious and all. Compunctious is not to be understood as being punctual about commas.

But in the meantime for those that don't have a clue what I am talking about please fall prey to this third rate tactic that we (bloggers) use to ensure our older babbles posts are trashed read.

So the homework for this day is to read the following:

Part 1 : Homecoming Series #1 - Fasten your seat belts

Part 2 : Homecoming Series #2 - Wheels in motion, Mission Half accomplished!

Part 3: Coming soon.....

By the blogger, for the blogger, of the blogger. Totally. No! Seriously not contesting elections.

Related Posts:
Homecoming Series #1 - Fasten your seat belts
Homecoming Series #2 - Wheels in motion, Mission Half accomplished!

I am very green. Not with envy. Or because of green moss sticking to me because of rolling over in my bed last night thanks to a splitting headache concomitant of the "Raw vegetables" I had at a "Green" dinner last night.

Bah!! Happy Earth Day!! Whichever planet you are reading this from.

I do not deem Mushroom to be a vegetable. No human should ever bring a mushroom to the kitchen unless to show his kid how an umbrella might look. They are better left in the garden to serve as umbrellas for the beetles.

While going green is mandatory, going nuts over it is very optional. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

So some Earth Day activities listed below are better confined to more restricted confines like a zoo, asylum or some reality show starring a Hollywood celebrity (Kim Kardashian!).

Save Papyrus: Refusing to take meeting notes on any form of papyrus is a very "green" way to avoid work all day. Avoiding the use of an alternative notepad on the computer is an even more "power saving" act. This may backfire. The boss knows some papers are green and should be conserved too. These green papers are rectangular and have the face of Washington stamped on them. They are called Greenbacks. Check Mate!

Plant a tree: In your backyard. Not the neighbour's. Earth Day may be celebrated on Vladimir Lenin's birthday, whose primary goal of destroying private property falls in line with the goal of environmentalists. This however cannot be used by you in your defence. Good fences make good neighbours.You will end up stewing in your own juice if the tree's branches (that you planted in your neighbour's backyard) come back to hug your house walls.

Green Greeting: Humans and cows have a special and sacred relation. In some countries they are worshipped. Say "Moo" instead of a "Hi baby" to that office secretary who wears shoes or jackets made from hides. No "Moo"t point that!

Battery: We all know battery life is a joke. They all die on us sooner or later, rechargeable or not. The joke will almost inevitably be on the hand that throws them into the dumpster. Go to www.rbrc.org for the nearest drop off location. Unless you want an early Independence Day(July 4) fireworks show at your dumpster.

Recycle your Recharge: Batteries aren't the only things that recharge. Gatorades do too. And we consume them by a dime a dozen. The pavements strewn with plastic bottles of Gatorade, or any such consumable fluid, are proof of that. It behooves us to trash them in a mannerly fashion. Emphasis mannerly. So huddling them all near the dumpster on a crowded parkway doesn't justify the adjective mannerly. It causes sound pollution when car drivers back out and trample over the plastic spills. Nature abhors annihilation. Use nature's imagination and used plastic to make a garden scoop. Works great for spreading compost (A friend with green hands gave this hint). Else dispose them at appropriate drop off locations.

Pool: I am not suggesting bathing in a public (swimming) pool to conserve water. Although in my hometown we bathe in a public river. No, Please don't bring this to the attention of Pamela Anderson, Rakhi Sawant or Mallika Sherawat. We don't want them spilling their Milkshake (Mallika has a milkshake named after her. Read here) or their clothes in the name of conservation. The pool in discussion here is Carpool. Public Transportation works too. Great way to meet new people and also have your morning cuppa in peace without having to do a balancing act between the wheel and the cuppa.

Power: The stuff megalomaniacs and farmers in Vidharba dream of. Have a candlelit dinner. But have a fire extinguisher handy! In case things go up ......in flames!!

Adopt a Pet: Say, a turtle. It's great inspiration. Teaches you to be slow and steady. Thereby winning the race. Please resist having it for dinner.

Better safe than savvy! Lest Mother Nature plays a joke on us making Earth day go down as our late reaction to Fool's day.

Maa Tujhe Salaam!!!!

I, in my rarely sane self, witnessed a recorded miracle.

I am afraid to go to the zoo anymore. The goosebumps on my hand now resemble spikes. The porcupines might claim me as one of their own.

Hope finally got rechristened. It's now called Susan Boyle. The 45 ish brit woman's initial cover got the whole of Britain secretly wanting to see her fall flat on her face, with just her curls for cover when she recovered.

And after her performance, If there was any movement, it wasn't her fall but their rise - to give her a standing O. And how? This is how - Check her video here.

Welcome back porcupines!

Her video had been viewed more than 26 million times on youtube.

If you were off social networking for a while and are looking to make a comeback here's a tip. Change our status in Twitter/Facebook/Orkut/Messenger and watch how even an L.KG - A/B/C classmate starts off with you on how he was bowled over by this woman who claimed in mirth that she has never been kissed from birth! That is the likeability this woman commands.

I am speaking with measured caution and realistic optimism when I wish that having lived the life she has lived with disappointments and setbacks galore, she finds true love that more than makes up for the time lapsed. However I will cross my fingers and hope that some yacht-owning, blue pill consuming, forbes type male or a 20 or 30 something boy toy doesn't come along to hold her hand for a share of the limelight. When one's imperfections mirrors the other's strength that's when a true match is said to be made in heaven!

Even at the risk of stating an unverified fact I proceed to say with audacity that I have no doubts she beat Giselle Bundchen and Adriana Lima for the most searched in google. Me thinks God meant the name Boyle to be synonymous for talent - Danny Boyle, Susan Boyle! Wondering if I should ask my dad to change his name to Boyle. And be that "IT" girl overnight.

But that would be unfair innit? For I, all of 20 something, would still not know what it is to be Susan Boyle - a woman whose talent is finally getting an outlet at a time when her peers are moghul empires and media lynch pins with half as talent.

To me that's what makes her a true embodiment of the oft pursued American Dream. Irony, that a brit had to wake America to it's now forgotten dream! And thankfully it is not another cosmetically repackaged "40 year old beauty" with all her "jobs" that gave the world it's wake up call.

For all you doubting thomases NO this woman is not a flash in the pan. True talent transcends time. Case in point is "Cry me a river", which she recorded for a local school in 1999, of which only 1000 copies were made.

If any of you have her "Cry me a river" CD (1999) - I love you , you are my best buddy. Please loan it to the hungry blogger who is also a die hard music fan. I will make special mention of your generous act here.

P.S No, I have the you tube link of "Cry me a river"!! CD, my love!!! CD!!

Hugs , Kisses and a Big Thank You.

Got to know from Fellow blogger sammythewizzy that today is "Blog Reader Appreciation Day 2009".

In short it's a day when we bloggers (who attack you with several weapons like Feed readers, subscribers, orkut/facebook status messages, messengers, word of mouth, spam emails etc) Thank you IMMENSELY for all the support and encouragement you readers have shown insofar.

Boredom knows no season. I hope though that I have in my eccentric ways kept your days, afternoons, evenings and nights alive and bore-free. Yawn!

Many thanks to sammythewizzy, lucifer, jusha, saya, charan, swetha, raga, smita, ush, parv, kaddu, twistewddna, tw, yella, yogesh, ersa, sujoy, kokonad, anup, shiv, hashir and of course all other readers who send me all your kudos regularly to lafemmereva@yahoo.com. Even if you are not a part of the "commenting" or the "mailing" page 3 type crowd I would still like to extend my gratitude to you for visiting my blog. Hopefully you got your time's worth! :)

So till I run out of mind fuel, I shall strive to make you laugh, cry, curse and bless.

Now how about a "Thanking the Voter's" day. All elected Indian politicians could come out and publicly thank their supporters for having elected them to the "Kursi" (Chair) that will ensure another 5 income tax free years. Hopefully they get away without missile type chappals aimed at them. That is the avant garde. Ask PC Chidambaram.The Indian election fever has caught onto me, you see.

I hope I got all your names in that Oscar award winning speech type Thank you note of mine. Else, sorry I'll buy you coffee :)

Oh, and my favorites? Quite the time for nostalgia eh?

Favorite reads:

How (NOT) to loose a Job in a day - Part 1
The story so far.....
Open Letter to my one and only Mallu Chekkan
How much does Barbie weigh?
It' a girl

Favorite poems:

A wannabe Janitor's Monday
Love - Lost and found
Verses to the watchdog that lost its bite!
Mrs. Daddy! come with your wand

Do comment on the blog/write to me if your preferences were different - lafemmereva@yahoo.com.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

In Hamlet, Polonius says this to his son Laertes before he goes to Paris.

And 10 out of 10 fathers/mothers would have told their 20 something teenagers this before they left home for their first jobs.

So, if you had paid some heed to your dad/mom's word you would have taken stock of your finances today and got the maximum fun out of your Refund (Tax). Else you've missed the bus and now have to run after the extension bus.

Bah! what did our folks have to worry about as 20 somethings. Just bell bottoms, afros and humongous shades. I may have looked something like this if was a teen in the 70's.

Good night! Dream on for a new day beckons you with it's endless possibilities. Like it did for Matt tonight. Would Matt Giraud have ever thought before going to bed last night that he would herald a new American 'Idol' first for being "saved" by the judges?

Happy V you guys!!! :) Bah!! Vishu not Valentine. All westernized youths you are. No patriotic fabric I say !

May avials, thorans , kaalans and olans flow freely through your homes.

I had Kellog's Special protien cereal. Back home vada, payasam and appams on banana leaf was the fare :( Sigh! Umbilical woes.

If I had actually gotten my most over quoted mallu a** off the couch and gone to school this year, it would have been my first day at school today :P (Assuming the school accepted me). Student of Class 09-10. I would have graduated same day next year.

And boy!!! Watta story that would have been. Imagine reading this. She had a job , that TOO when the times were difficult, which she quit to go to school only to graduate with a big fat degree which she now uses to bang her head with.

That would have been some entertaining read.

Sometimes a girl can have all the luck. For once the girl who has it is reliving the tale. For once procrastination came to my rescue like a knight in armour.

Procrastination is like Robin Hood you know. Steals time from people (such as me) because you have no need for it. Gives it to someone poor and needy like the Indian psephologist.

With 48 hrs left for the first vote to be cast, as the world's largest democracy goes to the elections, the big question that is out on the street in America is "Was today's American Idol show the most lackluster ever?" Unless, if all you did was gawk at Paula Abdul's neckline, in which case my asking such a question makes you wonder if all that protein from that cereal has clogged my cerebrum or cerebellum or medulla.

• I can speak commendable English, Tamil, Telugu, Hindi. None of it is my native tongue. I speak deplorable malayalam. I'm a mallu.
• Give me a good read and I will rape through it. One spelling mistake in the material and I will abort the mission.
• No, it's not rain. It's overheated iron boxes and old 10 paise coins that make me nostalgic.
• I never ever tell my age on my birthday. I am scared my longevity will decrease. I celebrate half birthdays.
• When I am in deep trouble or in deep grief I laugh a lot. I am at my humorous best.
• Even when everything falls apart I don’t cry. But when I saw my dad after a 2 year hiatus tears flowed down my cheek. When I saw my mom the floodgates broke open. When I saw my 1 year old nephew I bawled like a baby. He giggled.
• I have written my Goodbye mail to send out when I quit work to purse my real calling in life. I see it everyday before leaving work. The day I get a chance to send it for real I will cry. Tears of Joy.
• I want to travel around the world. If that doesn’t happen for some reason I will make my son/daughter a sailor or pirate and sail in their ship.
• Friday night party, Saturday morning Run & Saturday evening prayer - My sanity routine.
• Kids melt me. Not chocolate.
• I can marathon for 16 hrs. Not the running kind. The sitting on couch and watching TV runs.
• I like the french - Fries, Parfum and Kiss.
• I once ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Each twice. Everyday. For a week. I didn’t’ gain a pound.
• I have a nose for pregnant women. I have almost always needed just one look to tell if a friend is pregnant or not. Sometimes even the woman herself hadn't received medical confirmation yet.
• I once was in a major road accident and my face was scarred. The doctor said I required cosmetic surgery. And even after that he said recovery wouldn't be complete. I poured brandy on my scar for 6 months. Face was spotless. Doctor was speechless.
• I have been to New York 6 times. I belong there.
• I always doze in a bus/train but wake up in time to get off. When I was in Singapore my sis and I were in a bus. I was dozing. She was constantly nagging me not to sleep for fear of missing the stop. When it was time to alight I woke up from a deep sleep and got off . She forgot to get off.
• I drink Jeera water everyday, Makes the next day's "Job" much easier. I once had 10 Samosas and 5 spring rolls in one stretch. I drank Jeera water before going to bed.
• I had it until I was 5 – No, Not bed wetting. Fear of dark.
• I wore frilly frocks till I turned 18. My mom hid them in embarrassment. I found them and hid them again. Frilly frock fashion might make a comeback. My son or daughter might appreciate the act. Heirloom. Legacy.
• 2000- A teacher once called me a burden on earth since I was obese. I was dumbfounded. 2002- The teacher was dumbfounded. He let out a cat whistle.
• I have atleast 2 shoes for every color in the rainbow. I love watching my mother pleat her saree. I love talking to my fish.
• I am a strict vegetarian.
• I went to the beach almost every single day when I was in College.
• One morning, a few days ago, a friend (friend seeks anonymity) tagged me . The same night there was a crisis at work. Late night. Conference room. 10 people were nervously taking notes to fix some issues in the system. Tense atmosphere. I was there too, taking notes. You just read them. I shared my notes after the meeting with everyone in the room. Frown Lines became laugh lines. We went and solved the crisis in 30 minutes. And had a good night's sleep.
• Good Night!

I tag Jusha, Saya, Alteregoishere.

This is my real story. All characters are definitely alive and kicking.

You are not the first to read this story. D.Rishi had the privilege of the first read today evening. After reading he said "It was poetic justice for what I did to you".

Circa 1988 Thursday 11:59 am- My name was B.Reva. I was in UKG - B section. I wore green shirt flaps. I was very short, fat and resembled a mud roller, faintly, when I walked.

It was recess time. I was drinking the Bournvita that the domestic help brought to school everyday. Kids were playing in the hot sun in the playground. The Bournvita unleashed the animal in me. We ran to the playground - My tummy and I.

From nowhere a boy pelted a stone at my tummy. The last words I heard were a kid's voice saying "Short, stout, looser " My tummy and I doubled in pain. The perpetrator was D.Rishi. Dog Rishi! The other kids jeered, booed and called me a wuss before the hot sun closed in on me.

I went home crying. Mom inquired. I narrated the woeful tale. She asked me to watch Camouflage Animal watch - a Discovery Channel video. In retrospect I think I learnt my first valuable lesson in life that day - How an animal camouflages and waits at it's prey's usual watering hole.

Circa 1988 Friday 11:59 am

Same setting - Help has brought the drink . This time, Boost. Secret of my energy. His back is turned to me. I make timid steps. D. Rishi is having a sandwich in the shades of the mangrove in the distance. I crouch towards him stealthily. I pick up a stone and hurl it at him. Stone's trajectory makes a parabolic motion and he turns his head just in time to see it coming at him, full throttle, with the velocity of Soviet WW rocket. 4 of his incisors were history that day. They were permanent teeth.

Mother cheered from the pavement nearby. The domestic help whistled. After all they were the architects of the victory. Mother picked the weapon. Domestic help delivered it to me, with Boost.

The secret of my victory, Our Victory - Boost.

Circa 2008 Tuesday 6:37 pm XYZ Airport.

My name is B.Reva. I am in zyx Company. I wear Manolo Blahnik.

I was leafing through a magazine. A man sat next to me. He occupied two seats. Reflex action - I checked him out. I saw a flash of white. I leaned to take a closer look. His incisors were whiter than the rest of the teeth. He was short and stout. He was yakking on phone. I heard my school's name . He was on a roll. So was his tummy. He hung up. I asked his name.

I asked if he remembered B.Reva. He held his breath. He complimented that I was not how he remembered me or how he thought I would turn out to be. Shy came. I blushed a bit. A dog owner passed by. My Train of thoughts - Dog. Rishi. Dog Rishi. Boost. Animal. Camouflage. Prey. Mother. D/Help. Pavement. Cheer. Victory.

We hugged customarily and promised to "Poke" each other on Facebook.

Circa 2008 Tuesday 6:57 pm XYZ Airport

Last boarding call for me. His flight was a couple of hours after mine. I called my mother trying to balance a piece of paper in one hand and the phone in the other. I said a few words. Mother cheered. She said I had given myself my best birthday present ever. It was my birthday, that day. I was born at 6:57 PM. Talk about timing.

D.Rishi missed his flight. His boarding pass, a piece of paper needed to board a flight, was missing. Security issues. They refused to print him a new one unless he cleared security again. He waited 2 more hours before they could get him a new one for the next flight.

Later on that night he thought felt a tug when he hugged me. He thought it was his tummy coming in our way. Not my hand reaching for the paper which I held in my hand while telling Mother what I had done and trashed in a dumpster before boarding.

I need to go now and "Poke" him on Facebook.

He says we are now officially even.

Moral of the story - Mummy knows best . So stop sucking your thumb :P !!!