wind blow drying my long hair
dressed in the psychedelic colors of spring

rabbits in the grass
munching on the carrots

pigeons flying by
delivering cryptic messages

rhythm of the humming birds
beat of the jogger's heart

warmth of my starbucks green ginger chai
smell of rain kissed leaves

i went topless
admiring the reflection of my enviable youth
in the creek as ripe as the cherry
in a convertible - a car no less!

Remember this?

Flashback: I told you about a certain Southener who sent a few links which I put together for a novel business idea for which he claimed 50% profits.

This Southener called me of all the time in the world on a sunday morning to tell me that he had a dream (nightmare for me) last night. Apparently in the dream he had a calling in which he was instructed by the forces that be to share his "novel" ideas with the world. And this hopeless and jobless Southener who is beyond redemption calls me and asked to make a guest appearance for a few consecutive sundays (of all days!!) on my blog to share them with you all.

Now you may ask why he cannot post it on his own blog. Exactly. That's what I asked him too. He said that having written such similar "torture posts" on his blog, people who were once readers of his blog have now started blocking his blog site unable to bear the chinese torture.

So the misery ridden Southener is on a mission to ensure that my well-read blog and subsequently well- entertained readers meet with the same fate.

Misery Loves company. Never more justified than now! Sigh!

So why am I still allowing such uncouth and blog-destructive behaviour?
Old time's sake. You know. The Southener and I once (pretended to) worked together in a place which made working in Alcatraz prison, which housed the infamous Al Capone, worth looking forward to. And the people we worked with - made working with the likes of Al Capone, a pleasant dream. They had half evolved. So, left together, as the only two sane people, lots of pastries, coffee, conversation and yes, ideas (mostly mine but falsely publicised by him as his own) flowed.

So please read below the Southener's thoughts and feel free to send me an email essaying your personal thoughts (insults) and I shall promptly forward to the Southener's address.

That will wake the Southener from his fantasy!! Like I was woken up from mine, by him, at a criminally early hour on a sunday morning. That rat!

Over to the Southener.

Hi,

I am the Southener and I am honored and privileged to share my thoughts with you below. I thank Lafemmereva for letting me hijack her blog for this noble cause.

Why is it that when we think of an idea the first thing that we visualize is a bulb? Is it the Edison effect? I mean its not just that he is the only one who had an idea right? Newton did, Archimedes did, so why do we not visualize an apple or a bath tub? Ever thought about it?

Ideas have led to many great deeds:

Idea that helped create a multi-million dollar empire:
As a boy he was very weak in academics (nope i am not referring to Tarey zameen par, this is way before anyone knew about learning disabilities). One day the poor soul was sitting in his physics class unable to comprehend what was so great about an apple falling from a tree when the bespectacled moustached physics teacher moved on to a subject called buoyancy with the old tale of Archimedes and how he jumped out of his bath tub baring all and running through the streets shouting "Eureka! Eureka!" to the amusement of all the Greeks. Eureka ............ the little boys bulb lit, nope he still did not understand buoyancy, but used the idea of the person baring it all publicly in a more so called "artistic" way and built a multi million dollar empire out of it. If you still have not guessed the name, its Hugh Hefner of the Playboy fame.

A boss I once worked with used to pretend to be reading status reports in his locked up cabin when all he was doing was ogling at the centre-spread in the PB magazine. And we were "honestly" coding, debugging , testing and sending him the "real" status reports. My boss now has a company of his own, post retirement, in a beach in Hawaii. He sells beach wear from recycled material. I'm guessing those status reports we sent him are being recycled somewhere. I know what inspired him!

There are many more such novel ideas that changed the world, I shall make guest appearances over the next few Sundays and share them with this august audience.

(I actually called Lafemmereva at 5 in the morning this Sunday but she refused to answer the phone. When I tried again the phone was switched off. Finally I reached her around noon which she calls "morning". I shall try again next Sunday ;) )

Toodles! Cya next sunday!

Missing a belated Holi celebration in the afternoon :( Have to pick up a long lost girlfriend from airport. Hopefully no Bhang -Thandai is served !!! :(

Movies, Music and Men - My best sources of entertainment. I like all 3 of them unequivocally in all forms but if I were to prioritize I'm afraid I have to indulge in favoritism for just once and pick movies. Especially the dark ones. If I get a chance to go back to Harry Potter times I would do so just to sit through the Defense of the Dark Arts class. That choice is an outcome of my predisposition to outlets of entertainment which have a philosophical bent or deal with the abysmal depths to which human behavior can plunge.

Ergo, most of my favorite movies are those which depict the manic nature of human psyche like Batman - The Dark Knight, Requiem for a dream, Sin City, Boondock Saints, Fight Club, Shining, Following, American History X, Run Lola Run, Bicycle Thief....

Today in the darkness of the theatre I witnessed one of the darkest movies ever made, effortlessly making it one of my most recent favorites.

Once touted "unfilmable" because of the humongous nature of the novel, Watchmen turned out to be a visual treat and a mental appetizer. It rests its laurels on borrowed adaptation from the comic , which by the way was my least favorite comic in my childhood because of its pronounced emphasis on violence.

It still is a movie that will tick in the minds of many with clockwork precision. And for every cacophonic voice of criticism Watchmen responds in the form of silence, which prevails in the aftermath of the deaths of millions after the final war. The movie had heroes, antiheroes, blue light emitting Manhattan man, Earth and even the Mars. But what makes this movie an emotionally gratifying experience is its almost eerie portrayal of the savage nature of mankind, polarization of allies in war and the unmistakable message that in a war there are no winners - only survivors. And also - violence begets violence.

Rorschach - After the Joker in Batman, Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean, Rorschach is my favorite on screen character. The delusional, scarred, freckled psychopath who never compromised till the end.

The downside - Veidt could have been portrayed as a more powerful character. The movie was a tad too long.

Watchman however still has the last laugh.

I was mooching off on a good friend's hospitality in her apartment, filing away the How (NOT) to loose your job series on this blog while sipping the hot masala chai and masala vada she was making, the good samaritan that she is. 2 other friends who were also present in the room asked to read the write- up before I could post them. Having read them they got into a heated discussion.

Female Friend 1 : Men should open the door for the ladies, isn't it?
Male Friend 1 : Why would both of us go to the same restroom?((assumed Friend 1 meant restroom
doors, God knows why)
Female Friend 1 was dumbfounded
Masala Vada and tea making friend collapsed after squeals of laughter.

Darn!! My masala Vada supply is cut!!!

Part 2 is here

Dress to Kill: Looking the part is almost always as important as doing the part for a raise or even to stay where you are. So if all else fails, dress the part. If your aim is to be at home on that couch then begin to dress the part NOW!!!

Wear Boxer shorts/lungi (preferably pink)/sleeveless night gowns (if you are a female),Slippers/Sandals(Unisex -No gender distinction or shoe polish here!). DO NOT Iron your clothes. Go for the out-of-the-bed grunge look. Remember Main Hoon Na!? If you are a female wear jewelry like you are modeling for a jewelry ad. All that sheen and the dazzling brilliance from your jewelry will blind your co-worker's eyes and ruin their concentration thereby causing them to make mistakes. This way along with yourself you can actually ensure many co-workers exit too. After all misery loves company!

DO NOT:

* Comb you hair. Be Natural. If possible Oil your hair with any herbal oil the smell of which can drive even a skunk away. You don't blow dry your hair to be at home do you?The aim is to kill two birds with one stone - Make sure you are sent home and ensure that you start acclimatising yourself to the way you are going to live after your mission of being shown the door out of work is accomplished.

* Use a Deodorant: Go Green. Deodorants are toxic. You are the (meeting minutes document)
shredding-recycling-not-deodorant-wearing types.

* Eat Garlic: An apple a day keeps a doctor away. A garlic a day keeps everyone away ....

* Update your contact info: Unless you want to be contacted about your pension fund deposit
do not update your contact info anywhere. Leave a fake number in
your email signature - for example a cab service.

Co-Worker : Hello, can you tell us how to fix this code?
Cabbie : Where are you right now?
Co-Worker : Im in the 12th line.
Cabbie : Sure sending a cab right away to 12th street

Leave the rest to the mexican cabbie and your co-worker.

And even if by now you have survived all attempts like in a God Of War game and are still gainfully employed, that my dear friend is sure shot sign that recession or not you will be fine because you are a survivor, and a damned determined one at that! Ergo, Your job is for you to keep for Lady Luck is smiling on you and like it or not you are a damned good worker OR you are the BOSS of the company to get away scot free!!

So which one are you?
Me too….A damned good worker :)

Part 1 is here

Let's start with the elevator: If you spot your boss in the elevator DO NOT let it pass. Dance on the chance. Make sure you "accidentally" drop your cup of coffee on his expensive suit.

If you do not have a cup of coffee in your hand then Plan B. Yawn loudly! no ,Growl! and blame it on lack of caffeine, Tell everyone in the lift (ensure your boss hasn't got one of those pesky little Ipod/Zune types on!) how your spouse snore last night was louder than the roar of the spectators in the stands in the match you were catching live on television last night and how you couldn't catch much sleep - because your favorite team lost the match. Look around to ensure your spouse is not in the lift. After all you do need them to financially support you in your domesticated stay-at-home phase. As you get out of the elevator try to step in your boss's way and let him topple. Do not help him to his feet. Stand and laugh - The same way he laughed at that report you submitted to him last week on why you thought you should be given a raise. If he survives this , then get into your office and as your boss tries to make his way through the door beat him to it and slam the door on his face. The bridge in your boss's nose shouldn't be the only thing broken after that. In return your access card will be broken by him. Who cares. Tit for Tat - He thinks! He may have won the battle, But you have just won the war and claimed your kingdom - the couch at home!

If any of the above works, even before you make your way up to your cubicle you will make your way out in the same elevator you came in.

Break Room: Admit it. If you are reading this you are probably the sort who takes work breaks between breakfast/tea/lunch/snack/browsing sessions. So you spend a palpable amount of your office time in the breakroom hanging out with mates and checking out office "hot" property that come in various colors like blondes, brunettes and redheads.

Start hanging out in the breakroom closest to the boss's office. Talk loudly about how you remain glued to your seat in the office all the time only because you are watching videos on Youtube in the office desktop. If Youtube is banned at work, brag about how you almost saw a morning- matinee-evening show in your portable-dvd-player, that you brought to work last week. If you have an arch nemesis at your workplace whom you want to take down with you take his/her name and mention how he/she also enjoyed the movie. Sink or Swim together. You can arbitrarily also blow your trumpet about how you spent the last day of the last quarter not tabling your results but by playing table tennis flash game.

And the boss will ensure that you/arch nemesis spend the rest of your days gaming comfortably at home with your kid or your neighbor's kid. Genius!

Meetings: Where despite high levels of caffeine and words being poured you still doze blissfully.Take lots of food (bananas, groundnuts, yogurt) to all meetings. Tell them you are saving lunch time. Peel the banana , try and aim for the nearest trash can to throw the peel and miss the goal. Peel the skin off the groundnuts and let it fly. Scoop the yogurt with your fingers and lick every last bit of it clean and give everyone in the meeting room a high-five.

My space: The only personal space we seem to be getting these days is probably in Myspace.com. Roomates, long lost Ex-es, Friends, Spouses, Kids are all invading our personal space like those masked men in the movie Watchmen. This is your most valuable asset unless you are Pamela Anderson. Deny them just that. Yes, while talking to your client in a meeting get as close as you can, stare into the eye and spray it! That's right. Don't just say, Let words spray out of your mouth in such a way that it leaves the other party drenched! To top it all off we are famous for our "nods" and hand gestures. Wave your hands in their faces.

Your next stop will be eating the food remnants of your couch for that's where you will be for the rest of your life. If you have kids or a nephew you know what I am talking about w.r.t food on couch. Else , wait till you have one! My nephew almost has a whole lost treasure hidden in my sister's couch. I even once found my sister's platinum chain hung around a rubber tadpole's neck in her couch with some poop-colored-substance hardened on it. The feeling - Priceless. Since I am selective about reality I choose to believe it was chocolate and not poop as it may well could have very possibly been.

Is that pesky little job just not leaving you? Click here for more.

Gentlemen,
Are you tired of waking up every morning with your pet salivating all over you and your girlfriend /wife/mother prodding you to go to work to rake in the moolah like every man from the stone age has been doing? Heck! The stone age man didn't have to dress did he? A few leaves here and there did the trick. Not so much for the nouveau corporate animal, such as you, who has to dress up for the corporate jungle. Tired of sucking it up to your boss for that bog fat promotion or just to keep your job? Sick of long days and all those work calls that make your short nights even shorter? Do you yearn to be a homemaker (house husband may not seem very gentleman-like) or just a domesticated man with the only score to keep up being on a game in your handheld PSP?

Girls,
Sick of having to be domestically accomplished and having to kick-your-boyfriend/husband-out of-bed/dropping kid-off at- playschool/snaking-your-way-through-city-traffic-to-work routine? Does work have no purpose in your life other than to pay bills? Wished you could have a more meaningful existence by being at home with your kid and watching him grow into a man(like the one you married) for another female to go through the same agony as you are going through with the one you married ? Do you wish the only bossing around that happened was you calling the shots and the house maid doing the bidding rather than your boss making you dance to his tunes for the pittance he pays in return? Want to care for your aging parents than some aging archive at work? Do you want to be a homemaker or just a domesticated woman happily scooping your precious's poop or sharing a hot cuppa with your mom in those afternoons before the little devils come back from school?

Nodding in agreement?

BUT...You cannot take the big step of quitting work because economic instability looms large in the air and your nagging spouse/parent/peer pressure won't let you!! Well!! Well!!! Here are some sure-shot-as-hell ways to be given the pink slip. Now is your chance to blame it on recession. Quick, before times get better and it starts raining paychecks and dare I say it - bonuses again!

(If you are a man of questionable orientation you may be given pink slips for various other reasons).

Violations of work etiquette almost always are taken very seriously and there is no escaping the pink slip. And then Freedom to BE!!!!!! Aazadi Dil Ki!! With a pink slip given nothing will now stop your frm leading that life you've always dreaming. Being the King/Queen of the couch and ruling it!!!!

So violate you will and how?!!!!

...Click here to know how - Part 2

Just got back home. Phew!!!

I did no work today and got paid :) Don't go green with envy! You didn't believe that did you!

A friend who needed a ride back home regaled me with a conversation between her and a co-worker.

Friend has recently come back from a vacation in India and had gone to the co-worker's place to give sweets and engaged in small talk. Co-worker is married with a 3 year old kid. Thus floweth the conversation between friend and co-worker.

Co-Worker : I was in the smoking zone today when a very beautiful blonde walked past me. I was hoping and praying she would walk into our office building because I will have my regular dose of eye-candy then. However she walked right past our office into the next one. Sigh!

Friend : But you are married so you shouldn't be checking out chicks anymore.

Co-Worker: If you are on a diet, you are still allowed to check out the menu aren't you ?

:)

Lafemmereva comments : Yes, as long as you are ordering for your wife!!!

The slumdog barks again!

Hey Anoop Desai....Slumdogs get Oscars and talented singers become the coveted Idol!!!!

Bah! Anoop Desai cashing in on Slumdog phenomenon it seems!!!! Will the real American Idol please stand up!!!