Homecoming Series #3 - Lafemmereva goes to Queens Land  

Posted by lafemmereva in , ,

Part 1 is here

Part 2 is here

Teaser is here

Part 3 is here

Freedom from the colonial rule has been procured but it needs to be preserved. So does money. And so I was in our ex-ruler's territory. The land where people's shirts and lips are stiff and the ilk of tailors designers viz. Prada, Gucci, AX, YSL, Louis Vuitton divide and rule harmoniously and make something other than Gagra Cholis and Lehengas filled with chamkees .

L/reva reaches Heathrow (London Airport):

With the stomach staging a mutiny again the need of the hour was to guzzle the elixir of life, namely coffee, down the oesophagus. Only - The credit was found lacking. But nothing kept the indomitable mallu cinderella-y spirit of l/reva from her evil twin sisters - ricory and chicory.
Being a loyal S/Bucks member has its perks. Like you get a free drink on your Bday. My best birthday gift ever - Size Grande.

I ambled along to the nearest park-your-bottom facility to rest. And I heard two raccoons women screeching talking in the most high pitched yet impeccable Queen's English:

W#1: Do you know what happened to my hair dresser?
(Craning my neck to see the woman (W#1) I noticed that the only other thing thinner than her hairline would either be Mandira Bedi's noodle straps or Kate Moss's legs. A poodle was resting near the woman's feet. The pooch's luxurious hairdo prodded moi to wonder if the hairdresser was the pooch's or the lady's)
W#2: Oh No!!! Good heavens. Do tell me
(sipping a whole mug of english tea whose color I don't even want to explain here. Let's say some suspicious yellow that may have warranted the attention of some men like Moraji Desai)
W#1: Oh!! she left her boyfriend (M#1) for a new man (M#2). She eventually got married.
W#2: So she showed her b/f the
middle finger so she could give her finger to another? for the ring
W#1: Not quite. She married someone else (M#3).
W#2: Wow!! That's a woman who had a plethora of options.
W#1: I'll say! Apparently her doting boyfriend (M#1) found her cheating on him with his brother (M#2). And their mother wanted nothing of the woman (hairdresser). So she (hairdresser) went ahead and married her childhood sweetheart (M#3) who apparently did not have any qualms despite knowing her flings.
W#2: And what happened of the men (M# 1 & 2)?
W#1: The older brother(M#1) was married with a family of his own even while seeing my hairdresser so he asked his wife to take him back and the younger brother (M#2) married my hairdresser's sister.


W#2 and her tea went cold and all the color drained from them.

Another impeccable voice speaking the Queen's English commanded L/reva's attention that had unfaithfully strayed to the Harrods, Boots and duty free goodies!

"You may now board the fight flight bound to Chennai"

A Tata Indica ad said “We love to carry our world with us" So does Lafemmereva. L/reva, her duty free purchases and her entourage of baggage made a beeline to the flight which was pregnant (Emphasis: Flight was pregnant!!) and hurting with the painful labor of harboring wailing babies, soiled diapers and multi lingual songs blaring from Ipod which evoked the diversity vibes of India.

I burrowed my way through to my seat like a refugee avoiding missile misses from overstuffed cabin baggage which were threatening to fall off like those slimy creatures from the walls in movies like Mummy, Harry Potter et al.

In my biased and compromising opinion of a non-beneficiary, reservation is a very unfair advantage to the beneficiary. This is not how I viewed it when I was a beneficiary of one third of the perks in the not-so-distant past w.r.t college admissions. When one is not a beneficiary one will equate the whole grape-tasting-sour experience to watching KKRs play in IPL. And when one is, one propagates it with as much verve, enthusiasm and gusto as one does the Fake IPL Blog.

Without further digression, the flight junta was "reserving" extra (read co-passenger’s luggage space) spaces for cabin luggage above the seated area. They told every unsuspecting traveler that came to rightfully secure their bags in their “allocated” space that it was meant for their aged parent’s/young child’s “saamanam” (Tamil for things), thus slyly making anyone that doesn’t comply seem as pariah-ic as someone that refuses to offer his/her seat to any woman with-a-large-tummy in a bus by giving her the benefit of the doubt of being pregnant. BTW that is by far the only advantage I see of a woman having a challenging waistline. Pregnant or not, the fruit of labor is atleast a free seat. So, after all it is not always a man’s world.

I politely asked my co-passenger to move his luggage from my “allocated” space when he retorted with affected complaisance that his “aged” mother’s coat needed a resting place in case she felt cold.
Like the air hostess would come and open the windows of the plane when in mid air for some ventilation! Bah!

Me? I always look to corroborate claims with evidence. I looked to see a pretty young 20 something of a wife seated next to him. I did not sight a woman beyond her twenties in 3 rows of seats before and after mine. Needless to say there was no mother. This wasn’t the time to curse myself for not having premature grey hair to pass off for a senior or wish that the emergency oxygen masks were non existent under the seats of stone aged men and their stoned looking wives with neither grey hair nor integrity nor civility such as these two.

Any rebuttal to such an ill-formed and fallacious plea from the stone age man would mark my death from the killer looks of every other genuine “senior” on board. This wasn’t a time for facts to be corrected or name-calling or hair-pulling with stone age man or his stoned looking wife.

So I did what every self respecting mallu woman who stands up for her rights would do. I put my cabin baggage in the space meant for the passenger in front and consoled the enraged wooly spirit of the Calvin Klein coat in my hand which went under my seat. There! That’s a non violent, cooperative, neighborly way of sorting out things. When in deep shit pass the buck.

As I was prepared to squat for what would be my last leg of journey I was overpowered by a brilliant aroma that tickles one's pheromones and puts every 365X24X7 deodorant's claim-to-fame to shame -
Sweat - The human juice that is every athlete's envy and deodorant/sportswear company's pride and permeates through every unchartered crevice of the learned society.

Coming soon......

Part 4 - Homecoming series#4 - In-Flight entertainment
Part 5 - Homecoming series#5 - Lafemmereva in the wonderland of Lungis, Appams and
Part 6 - Homecoming series#6 – Season Finale - City of Destiny, Downing Street, Uncle Sam.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 at Wednesday, May 06, 2009 and is filed under , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


Ha ha ha! I am wondering what's in store in parts #4,5,6. You are pulling off a STAR WARS here. :P May be you could have some kind of a similar introduction...
I love the way British people talk! It almost always ends with something like a question when it is not. Makes me want to pay attention to them. I was once sitting next to three British girls in a rather long NYC subway. They were in their late teens and were chirping away about guys in their college(?).
I must confess that when I started reading this, I thought a hair dresser was a huge dresser drawer. So, the conversation didn't make sense for a while...

Suggested movies: [1] "The Englishman who went up the hill but came down a mountain. [2]Hot Fuzz.
In case you haven't seen them already, there's so much rural England accent that you will be splitting your sides laughing.
Movie [1] is a must watch just for the plot. It's funny as hell. Movie [2] is hilarious throughout, except the last 20 minutes, where it is weird.

May 06, 2009

To saya who coined revaness and Arun who coined Pattukujalambal - U guys rock at coinage of terms. A lil secret leak here.

We once called revaness/Pattu "Pollu" (Palakkad + Mollu) and the whole gang took to it!!

Revaness - I am no longer going to say "Good Post" because I know that you have set a certain high standard and almost always never fall below it.

You should be banned from traveling because your sense of observation is a threat to the rest of aam junta.

English accent - U shall have the pot"a"hto Most certainly Milady. And I second koko. Lotsa purility in that side of he pond. Been there. Know better.

Moraji lived to a 100 years drinking it.

I once sat next to a wailing baby on a 12 hr flight. My seat was filled with hair strands when I disembarked. The kid was sleeping blissfully.

The air hostess actually asked me to secure my baggage under the seat when mine was "seized" a.k.a urs!

Reservation - It is a woman's world - 33% of the time!!!

Sweat - Pig's sanity!

Woman dating one marrying another - I am almost sure she would have dated the men's father too!!!

Part 4 pls!

May 06, 2009

:D U cracked me up on the color of the english lady's tea :P

And the hairdresser reminded me of the American family joke where the husband tells wife Ur children and my children are living with our children :P

Tailors - ROFL!!! They are designers!!! MY Gawd!! Tailors!!They will stage a mutiny if they hear this! And come to think of it u wear their stuff!

"biased and compromising opinion" :D:D:D

stoned looking wife it seems. If she had given you that coat space u wud have called her a darling and angel!! U r a rascal!

"The human juice that is every athlete's envy and deodorant/sportswear company's pride" - That Onida devil will commit suicide and his horns will fall off if he hears this!!! :D

Once again u got all my sides aching!!!

I second Ush!

May 06, 2009

"Like the air hostess would come and open the windows of the plane when in mid air for some ventilation!"---

Well, I almost tried to do that in my first flight....:D

I absolutely loved the article, its hilarious..!!

I must say...you were spared from the tantrums NRI-wives throw on airport. At Frankfurt, a lady and her kido were boarding without needing to show resp. passports. She thought it was "redundant" (???).
Few passengers think that the long isle inside airplanes are for a walk after dinner...hindering others...!! maaaannnn

May 07, 2009

You rock old girl!

I've been enjoying your posts the past few days... Keep going...

How long you over?

Take care

May 07, 2009


waiting for part 4,5 and 6!

May 07, 2009

Haha... I had to go through the conversation again as the first time I got a bit confused as to who was with whom...

Its difficult to imagine journeys without being disturbed by children and babies. I am glad to hear this happens to everyone, I used to think I am the only blessed soul...

The Indian tailors are not that bad and I think (from what I hear on tv) that they have ventured beyond ghagra cholis but then again how would I know
[fashion sense=0]
[fashion awareness= -(any number you think is high enough)]

May 07, 2009

hahahha, reva....well done, yet again !...couldn't stop laughing when i was reading the color of the tea part :-)...

May 07, 2009

Brillianto ..... humor dripping as usual .... !! Also the value add in this one is the conversation which can go into any puzzle book and be used for recruitment interviews.

The ending giving the suspended sense of suspense as to what happens next ... !! Looking fwd to the sequel ......!! Cheers !!!

May 07, 2009

Hehe the conversation was hilarious...you observe too much...i wud never have cared if i was in ur place...and flying with desis is jus like going in a train with them...i was always accompanied with baby wails...but wht the heck ur going home and its jus another few hours of journey so have your ears plugged with fav songs flowing in and everything else is forgotten...

May 07, 2009

i totally agree with the 'that’s a non violent, cooperative, neighborly way of sorting out things'- btw looking forward to parts 4, 5 and 6

May 07, 2009

@kOkO - Next time l/reva will enter Jedi Style :)

Me is stacking popcorn and doing couch - tv time this weekend!!! Danke for those recommendations!!!! :)

May 07, 2009

@Ush - "We shall talk about Pollu offline!!! Van Damnit!!! :P

Marrying father eh? U r watching too much bold and the beautiful!!! and santa barbara and ekta kapoor!! :D

May 07, 2009

@smitha - I made discreet enquiries about that tea in s/bucks. They gave me a sample. Looked and smeeled funny!!! Suspicious O suspicious!

May 07, 2009

@amol - opened windows? parachuting and all!!! My My!!

NRI Wives : Ah yes. Those charecters from lipstick Jungle. "Reduntant" she has become - an ex Leehman Sister maybe :P

"walk after dinner" : Burping too!!!!


May 07, 2009

@Karthik : Danke :)

May 07, 2009

@Prachi - Danke :)

May 07, 2009


[fashion awareness= -(any number you think is high enough)]

I need some data points to arrive at the answer. what options do I have?

Phone a friend?

May 07, 2009

@ersa - danke :)

May 07, 2009

@luci - danke :)

May 07, 2009

@ a journey called life - Ah!! ma pal!!! :)

May 07, 2009

@rads: observation is a disease i suffer from :(

Ipod...don't even ask!!!! Ill explain soon!!!

May 07, 2009

hilarious! :D
awesomely chronicled!

May 08, 2009

Im so sorry Im very late in reading this hilarious post. wonder how series 4, 5 and 6 are gonna be.

first of all, do Starbucks actually do that?

second - that description of London stuffed with capitalist designer logos - top notch.

Third- i think it is possible to feel cold up there!

last - the description of sweat! whoa, the most positive description to the most negatively portrayed topic!

10/10! brilliant! :)

May 09, 2009

Well, its really up to you, I mean you can phone as many friends you want to really...
this comment though is actually to tell you that your posts are nice and funny and well written so I have blogrolled you...Have a long list of people to inform so, catch ya later...

May 09, 2009

awesome stuff!! waiting for the installments.

May 09, 2009

apparently, its raning awards for ur posts in blogsphere (not the padma bhushan varieties but the ones showered on u by co bloggers).. at last count it was 4 in a matter of 2 days do check them out (wont take long to figure out who gave em to u)

May 09, 2009

ahh... ponne.. romba naice.. lowing moraji desai reference.. and the pooch's hairdo..
trust you to notice the hairdo..

@ Ush
Sweat.. pig's sanity eh? I take offence on behalf of the pig :):):)
Pig's sanity is madness:D

May 10, 2009

@rayshma - danke :)

May 11, 2009

@varun -

1. :P

2. Danke :)

3. Not if you are hot enuf ;)

4. Encore danke :)

Better late than neva :)

May 11, 2009

@mukund: Danke :)

May 11, 2009

Thanks for posting those links so that I can go there easier to read it.

Couldn't stop laughing when I was reading the color of the tea part too.

do pheromones work

August 16, 2011

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