Kotler - Move Over!  

Posted by lafemmereva in , , ,

Motherhood is a myth - Straw sucks - Is what my sister had to say when I spoke to her this morning after BRUSHING, FLOSSING and SWISHING the MOUTHWASH in my teeth
(Death potion) 2 times.

Here I share with you all some core management concepts that I took away from the hour long conversation. I wish I could pass on the tummy ache that I got from laughing during the call.

Most kids lock themselves in the loo. But not my Straw (1.9 yr old nephew) the future management guru! Straw locked his mother in loo, eventually let her out and got kudos from his Grandparents for knowing how to unlock the bathroom door.
Management lesson: Outwit your enemy. Corner him when no one is around and then publicly free him. You will become a corporate hero.

When my sister feeds straw, who is a glutton for mischief and sadly not food, he decided to take matters into his tiny hands. Everytime took her hand to his mouth he cunningly twisted it back to her mouth feeding her with his food instead, making her fatter.
Management lesson: Floor your aggressor with your innocence and make them eat their own humble pie. Deflect all missiles (read attempts to make you work) deftly! Corporate maneuver ing.

Carries a sad face when she reprimands him.
Management lesson: Always let your bosses have the first say but have the last word. And the pout,, smile and floor them with your magnetic charm. If you are a woman you know what the last word, pout and charm are all about.
Fake it. Gain sympathy.

The neighborhood girl bullied and humiliated Straw because she could run faster than him. The next day he stood in the balcony with a menacing look on the face when she came from school and blew the wind out of her.
Management lesson: Look aggressive. Looking the part gets half the work done.

Straw hides underwear under the bed. When my sister or her family try to find it he "locates" it (wink! Wink!) for them and gets praised for his “finding” skills.
Management lesson: Plant an issue. Hide it where no one else can find it. Then find it and claim credit. Account Director material – Finding work extensions for the organization!

Straw undresses and dances on the table to entertain his mother just when she is about to slap the little rascal for the hard time he gives her.
Management lesson: We have all heard of the fabled wolf that comes in sheep's or Prada or Calvin Klein clothes to devour the sheep. Which brings us to realize that in the modern corporate jungle we need to dress or undress for the part. If you were working for David Letterman or Bill Clinton you probably undressed.

Although he is the darling of the house he looked to conquer other hearts. And how he did that is a classic management concept.
When my father calls Straw he answers the phone and asks who is speaking. And after he does the voice recognition check on my dad he hands the phone to my sister acting super cool and blasé like which panics my dad who thinks he is probably not giving Straw the time and attention he deserves because of his work schedule. He asks my sister to hand the phone back to him so he can pamper him with nice words.
Double bonus here. 2 lessons from one act.
Management lesson 1: Act cool and indifferent. Like you don’t give a damn. People would then want to be on your "priority" list. Be an attention whore, Only don't oversell! Downplay. Less is sometimes more.
Management lesson 2: Even when business is good (at home), don't stop looking for new opportunities(outside of home).

But the sisterhood of lafemmereva had the last laugh.

Straw’s doctor classified him underweight and put him on a strict rich diet that requires him to eat 6 times a day with a target weight to be achieved in 3 weeks. Else he has to swallow a bitter pill everyday!

He ! he! BS (B*llshit) may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. There, classic management lesson!

And my sister, like every other woman, had the last word.

It was what our quick gun and very fun Murugan would say - Mind it, Baby!

So how do we forget these core competencies when we grow up and go to our workplaces and reach out to self help books by authors that laugh their way to the bank simply for feeding us we were fed on as toddlers?

Because between taking your first steps and when you climb the first rung of the corporate ladder is a quarter life crisis that the author will write about, live from the loo, soon. Yes, From the loo! because that is the only time my bladder, intestine and mind are brimming with creative and other juices.

Right now I have to go blame my flat mate for burning the toast that I accidentally left in the toaster :P

Won’t ask, Don’t tell!  

Posted by lafemmereva in ,

And here I come...! ...This time around I have no answers to the world’s ills. Just more quizzical questions. As they (who?) say – the older you get the better you get.

Me thinks – the older – the more perplexed!

Here goes my catechism.

1. What's short, sweet and lasts a week?
My paycheck.

2. What’s long, hard and makes you sweat in the nights?
Shae! Dirty minds! Work Nights. what else?

3. I'm finally in my flirty 30's but I will not be 31 or 32 the next year or the one after that - True statement. How?
Because Tooth#31 and Tooth #32 are now decoratives in the bowl that whets the wet dream of my definitely male betta

Visit to the torture chamber Dentist : A female colleague from work in the dentist’s waiting area with the most immaculate teeth ever. Wonder why she needs a dentist. Wait. Definitely porcelain dentures. Made in China.
Exchange pleasantries while she pleasantly bares her pearlies and I deftly move over to death sorry! dentist’s chair:

Dentist: Born in Mumbai, Made in America. Deadly female species. Pours over my mouth while I go one tooth and several dollars lesser.

L/reva's Dentis ‘isms”:

  • “You should brush your teeth” Yes, My mother tells me that for FREE.
  • “Did you have all these problems in India” No, because they don’t sell toothbrushes there. We still brush with neem twigs (which by the way are more cost and medicinally effective than Oral B brushes that flex your muscles more than themselves!)
  • “You should floss” Yes! with moss. Because I’ve tried everything else.
  • “Your gums are weak. You should get hem checked often” My bank balance is weak too which makes me get my eyes checked more often to make sure I’m seeing the balance right!
  • “You might bleed a bit during the procedure” 2 Trays were changed because they resembled the lagoons in my hometown in Kerala. Only the liquid in this lagoon wasn't colorless but bright,red and didn’t have women in petticoats bathing in it. Or men in Lungi’s half squatting doing their “thing” with a chombu (vessel) in hand.
  • “You should eat rich food” Yeah maybe that will compensate for my current state of dental, mental and fiscal poverty .
  • “You should use this *** mouthwash for a clean mouth” Yes for a clean stomach too. Because the chlororhexadiene tastes like phenyl mixed with wheat grass juice that clean your teeth and appetite for hours!

4. What is color psychology at work?
Black and Red are corporate colors that spell "Serious Business". Using them to portray a tough “I am a meanie” image of you at work is how, my dear sugar and honey pots, we women let color psychology do the talking at work.

To show your hard mettle, the tough fabric of morality that your character is made of and your undying determination to persist through very straining times at work show go black. It will make everyone else go banana pale yellow.
In days of yore Priests wore black to signify submission to God. Black means you surrender to work. Work encompasses your life. You are the woman on top ;)
Friendly and noted leaders, like Dracula, often wear black. Fear. Donning black makes you look fearless. Like Mamta Kulkarni, who I heard is naming a train after herself. I can already read the headlines. Mamta Express derailed.

Color of love. You love what you do. Work. You absolutely love waking up at 7 in the morning driving 20 miles to look at black, white and red screens and beating the same 20 miles back to get to home just in time to catch the late night show with David Letterman or watch Abhishek and Aishwarya on Oprah - Thankfully this time Oprah is made to wear a saree. Because no length of saree is enough to cover any part of her!

So there I go in Black Nail polish and Paan stained Red teeth to work for one full week. True statement. I can get a colleague to testify. (I bought him a white shirt. Think White, Think Peace! Think White coats, Think Dentist. SHUDDER!)

That’s another fundamental principle of color psychology. Camouflage, The boss sits in another office. Hee, Hee! Hayyo!

5. What needs to go up for you to know how far below in rock bottom you are?
Hope. And maybe a dwindling bottom. Sorry. Let me correct that, Yes! A dwindling posterior. But more on that later.

6. Define Hope?
That exotic dancer that on whom I accidentally spilt buttermilk in a flight to Las Vegas.
What we live on when everything else goes the gravity way – DOWN.
What keeps our spirits up – Wait a minute, Innit the other way round? Don’t spirits (Tequila, Vodka, Margarita) keep our hope up?

7. Dwindling posterior?
Excessive sitting on your posterior in office chair leads to a loss of grey and muscle matter. So 5 miles a day on the pacific coast highway. Sigh! The bottom is hard hit L

I hope you ladies have your Kleenex ready because you are just going to drool like b*tches.

Picture this.
Comfortably ensconced on a promontory in the western most point in Southern California overlooking the sea on a Full Moon night. Wind blowing through my long freshly Semi Permanent Burgundy Brown hair. A very tall and dear friend in the vicinity pensively watching the whole Pacific Coast raging against the cliffs.

Walking in the 3rd street Promenade, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Strip that house all the designer brands in the world. Pseudo Parisian High!

If I’ve been working hard, I’ve been partying HARDER!

I’m 25 years young for the next 12 days and I’m living it up in LA.

Bah! Dum di da dee!!