DISCLAIMER: All names/events have been glorified to keep the montly paycheck coming. Any resemblance whatsoever to a similar write up published in any forum shall lead to a quick deletion of this POST and a vehement denial of this ever being published :)

(This was an interview I gave in a certain forum and to protect my interests have changed a few names/questions)!

If I can afford the luxury of time I shall come up with a spoof of this post :)

Name: lafemmereva

Occupation: Try to compile Bytes of Verse

Designation: e-Janitor( I fix bugs and defects and clean code!)

Want to work for : Till the day I win the lottery!

Tell us about yourself…I was born with a silver spoon into a family of doting parents and loving sister. Father’s demanding job took me to various places, with each place and person having a story to tell. This continuous exposure to various people and cultures made me a more outgoing, active and adventurous person.

What aspect of your work inspires and challenges you the most?
Working with diverse people who put aside their differences and work towards the common goal of making the project a success.

Your workplace to you is…
A place where even twenty something people are entrusted to handle critical modules, guide their subordinates, coordinate with superiors and prepare themselves for their Onsite travel to far off lands to face demanding clients. In short the sense of pride, responsibility, satisfaction and a pat on the back in the aftermath of a job well done is what my workplace is and is what it will always be to me.

The person you admire most in the industry…
I have quite a lot of people whom I deify to satiate my intellectual appetite. So I can’t zero in on any one particular person. However I always feel awed by the entrepreneurial spirit of the Venture capitalists of the software industry.

A goal (professional or personal) you want to accomplish this year…
I want to be richer this year than I was last year and I hope my boss is reading this.

Best learning experience on the job…
I was in a project which was very demanding in terms of effort since it was a new account and it was a new venture of sorts for my unit. There were many critical phases and many of us put in extra hours at many times. My manager in a previous project, ensured that he always stayed back till everyone left and he always led by example be it coming to office on weekends if the team had to come or postponing lunch and accompanying us when we went later. Nothing is as motivating as having a superior who leads by example and this is the best lesson I take away amongst many others.

Weekends to you mean…
Saturdays in college meant watching the sun rise while drinking tea in “Nair Tea Kadai” after a jog in RK Beach in Vizag followed by a fun ride back home in “Bajaj Chetak” with my college mate. Now saturdays mean waking up to the sound of Skype Phone to talk to my parents, causing intestinal disorders in my otherwise healthy roommate and friends what with my deplorable culinary skills and watching psychotic or comedy movies.
Sundays start with a visit to Starbucks and then a visit to the Temple to ask God to keep my loved ones safe and absolve me of all the sins I have committed during the week!

If you had all the time in the world, you would…
Go back and thank every school/college teacher/professor because I truly believe that a teacher affects eternity; he/she can never tell where his influence stops! From curtailing my nose picking habits as a kid to goading me to top the university my teachers have all been a slice of the humble pie called lafemmereva!

Ten years from now, you see yourself…
As a Super Mom rushing to drop her prodigious son at school lest she misses her morning bus!

A skill you’ve always wanted to learn…
1.Glib talk! I have always been swept off my feet by glib talkers who are bestowed or have cultivated the art of smooth talking. I have seen people cruise/con their way through sticky situations with their gift of the gab.

2.Swimming! I believe I could have shared space with the likes of Ian Thorpe if my dad had let me take swimming classes instead of “Programming” classes. But after 23 years when I take my paycheck every month I say a silent thank you to my dad for insisting on the “Programming Classes”.

Books, music, films, or another art form. What would you choose and why?
I would choose books because I think outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I used to rate music higher since once it used to be original but now its aboriginal!!

Your personal slogan reads…
Capital isn’t Scarce; Vision is!

In about 100 words, tell us a few things about yourself that we could use in a blurb that introduces you.

Know me Know fun. No me No Fun!

Read below excerpts from an Interview with the young, sassy, successful, hep and versatile Reva , CEO of Reva Inc listed amongst the Top 20 rich women in "Planet of the apes".

Reva Inc has found the ultimate cure for AIDS. Reva Inc recycles the rubber from chewing gum spit on the roads of Old Jersey (By sophisticated “Desis Abroad” who chew on it like Jersey cows and spit it right where your expensive Jimmy Choo's land and you spend the rest of the month foregoing lunch to make up for the shoe lost in the "sole" valley) and converts them to spotted, stripes, scented , condoms and sells them through vending machines installed at every mile in the NY Subway.

This concept was totally endorsed by Owen Wilson who caught onto it like a house on fire while filming the movie "Wedding Crashers".

KKarran Know-Her interviews on:

Tell us about yourself…
I was born with a silver spoon into a family of doting parents and loving sister. Father’s demanding job took me to various places, with each place and person having a story to tell. This continuous exposure to various people and cultures made me a more outgoing, active and adventurous person. I am so adventurous I recently decided to drive from Old Jersey to WomanHattan instead of the subway!

Your take on Team work?
Working with diverse people who put aside their differences and work towards the common goal of making the project a success. We help each other like monkeys do on the way to the top of the corporate tree in the corporate jungle and some of us get there and the others don't! The monkeys who get up the ladder look down to see a tree full of smiling faces and the monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes!

A goal (professional or personal) you want to accomplish this year…
I want to be richer this year than I was last year and I hope the other board of directors and my shareholders are reading this.

Unforgettable learning experiences on the job…
I have had the opportunity to work with people who have excellent communication skills. One of the mails I can never forget reading which I save as a template for all aspiring and budding managers in my company. This from one of the star performers of my company.... "Since there are so many important communications you are sending and marking me copying and assuming that I am looking on it. As I am working on multiple activities, I was not able to view all your mails on time and respond it back"... Another one..:) "I absorbed that many of our team members are coming to office on irregular timings. It is has to be taken care."

Rapid Fire…..

Shoes, Movies,Music: Revatheese for Oxygen. Abundant supply needed for survival and also defense - ShoeSmack is the new kung fu.

Heights of Laziness: Flying Kisses ( Too Lazy to give the real one!)

Why do you have so many clothes? So that when the world runs out of fuel one day I can burn them all and there would be enough fuel for everyone in the world

If you ever wrote a book it would be : Pink Lives!

Favorite Coffee: Cappuccino, Mocha

Favorite Lip Shades: Cappuccino, Mocha (Yes they are actually Lip shades!) There must obviously have been some Lipstick Man who spent all his time concocting shades while burning the midnight oil with coffee.Hence the same name.

Favorite Hang out Zone : Office Restroom (I sometimes even arrange for snacks for meetings conducted there) Professional courtesy.

Most Powerful Weapon : SMS

Have you ever told anyone those 3 words : Yes, Pay the bill

Most Revered person: Shakeela.

Fitness Routine: Shopping (Is my Cardio)

Favorite Formula One drivers : Britney Spears, Paris Hilton

How much can you eat in a day? : Burp!

DISCLAIMER: To all men reading this post, you are either my best friend, good friend, casual acquaintance , cousin, workmate, current boss, ex boss, current boyfriend, ex boyfriend , father or just another bored techie looking to spice up yet another afternoon at work . This post was written on one of my bad "code" days ( midnights!) when my program unit like my life was refusing to compile. I had to debug the bug in my code and life and fiction seemed to be the best debugging tool available.

So if you are a non mallu and fall into any of the categories above read it, pretend it tickled your funny bone, be gracious to leave a comment ,exit the page but make a reference of this page to a Funny, Jovial, Educated Mallu friend of yours (Who doesn’t wear a horn rimmed spectacle and prefers Brylcream to coconut oil!) and in return I'll name my second born after you :) I christened my first born as Silk Matha( Pls refer my "It's a Girl " Post! )

If you however are my "Neo"(Mallu/Palghat Pattar! :) enter the following loop and if you find an exit well go ahead and exit while you still can!

1. Open your wallet
2. Take your card out. No! Not that one, the one with the maximum credit limit. Yes, That card which can buy anything except “priceless” articles of interest!
3. Go to http://www.tiffany.com(i know you want to go to http://www.ebay.com! I will make you sleep on the couch!)
4. Buy a ring (No, not the Lord of the ring, DVD! You silly!) not less than 10 carat and come find me ! I will live happily ever after and well for you!! Hahahahahha!!!!! Poda Vattan!!! You just bought your suicide weapon (The ring!) In case you haven't realized by now that this is a never ending loop.

This loop iterates every anniversary with step 3 changing to http://www.manoloblahniks.com, http://www.chanel.com,http://www.botox.com and finally http://www.allmymoneyisyours.com :)

Read on this page from my fantasy book...

My dear Kunja Etan,

I have been looking a lot for you lately .Are you thinking of me right now like I am thinking of you? Are you looking for me in www.shaadi.com and www.jeevansaathi.com RIGHT NOW hoping I pop up on your screen? No? Turn off Pop up Blocker!

I am a very sweet innocent (with a long standing history of verbally and physically challenging her current and ex boyfriends:) The last one was left reproductively challenged after he refused to take me to timbuktu!) kollengode mollu.

Its becoming very hard to fantasize a nameless being Atleast send me a picture of ANY organ of your body, that I could use to dream about!

There is a scene that I often play in my head Etan. I promise you its very original and not a rip off from any fairy tale.....

(It is well almost midnight and I am dreaming of that day when I graduate from School with my Master's degree and well its the proverbial Graduation party. I wear my Glass Slippers and at the stroke of 12, I run away from the party because I need to rush to the loo. Bladder filled with enough water for a year’s supply of “wet” dreams!

And you come after me just in time to catch my leg before I rush into the "girls" room and my Manolo Blahnik gets caught in your hands )

Do you also write such novels in your head? Am I the Parvathi of a Suresh Gopi like you?

Have you ever noticed how most of the long standing marriages and the most successful couples like Ray and Deb of Everybody loves Raymond, Chandler and Monica of Friends, Mr and Mrs Simpson are all oddly couples of the exact opposite nature? If you are the Burger I will be the fries, together we shall make a perfect combo! In short I’ll be your better and bitter half!

I am not ready to marry you yet not Etan, coz like Britney says..I am not a girl not yet a woman :) But soon I will be so till then this is ALL I ask of you...(For now!)

Have enough girlfriends till we start dating so that by the time you come to me you are harassed enough and have paid enough restaurant bills and have had enough phone fights but also have enough reasons to break up with them after you meet me.

If you haven't learn to drive yet please do, I want to dress up like Shania Twain in " That don’t impress me much in Strips and Fur and get on your bike and go on long drives and after the drive get off the bike and say "That don't impress me much! "

I also want to go on a cycle with you with me sitting in the front like Goddess Khushboo (Don’t you know a temple was built for her, we should be aware of what’s happening in other states also! Might come in handy during the IQ Test, you’ll understand as you read below) does with “Superstar” Rajini in "Annamalai"

Please learn to make good Idiyappam and Kadala Curry , If you don't know learn from your mom/aunt/grandma next time you go home. I prefer it to expensive Italian/Mexican/Mediterranean food that only a Master Card can buy.

Make sure your younger/older sister are married so that the line is clear for us ;)If you have a younger or older brother make sure he remains unmarried so that I can flirt with him when you go on business trips. Also It wont hurt to have a handsome dad who will serve the same purpose. I have been spending sleepless nights thinking about you.

Etan, Cheriya request Please don't wax your legs, I don’t like my mallu boy metro sexual I just like him sexual. This way when you turn up your lungi (Good ventilation) and show your legs the visual sight of your hirsute le(o)gs will keep me floored despite the unbearable stench from your unwashed undie! (VIP Frenchie ???? Indigenous Komanam????? )

Etan, our love story has a brutus! My Achchan! He doesnt like mallu boys. He thinks his Reva Kochchu will become a waitress in a Tea Kada if she marries a Mallu Boy :( ( He loves banana chips and shakeela though!!! Hypocrisy I say!!!! )

He might put our love on a free trial period and might even guarantee to take your mollu back if he is not satisfied with you. He wants to interview you and test our IQ. So in addition to Malayalam Manorama make sure you read the Manorama Yearbook, Washington Post, Sciam.com, Did you know series, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Sarita, Vanita, Mangalam, Playboy, Letters to Penthouse.... This way even if you don't win me atleast you will win Master Mind on BBC and we can use this to appeal to my dad and convince him.

So Make sure your humor is as good as Lal etan's and legs as strong as Mamooty so that when you propose to me and my dad objects we can both run away as fats as your legs can carry(Yes I will be in your arms and you will be carrying me while we run away!)

(Am demonstrating my convincing abilities here, I wont have much trouble in convincing me into making me the beneficiary in your will and Insurance :P)

I promise to stay by you through receding hairlines and will gift your yearly subscriptions to www.wegrowhair.com
I promise to let you have your boy's day out when I am in the 'wrong' position of the month.
I promise to pray that your favorite football team wins.
I promise not to let distance come between us (Keep your friends close enemies closer :))

In return please promise me that we shall live happily ever after like the 2 lovebirds below :)



P.S . Pls brush your teeth daily, tooth extraction is very painful. No? Read my "Its a girl" post. Also I hate bad breath when you give me a good night kiss! :)

Okay etan moi going to sleep! Ummmahhh!!! Have you turned into a prince? :P

P.S I will blow you good night kiss everyday (Flowers will cross in the screen when we kiss and people can't see! see etan I'm a midiki :P and soon we will have kids born through cross pollination! :D

Signed,
Kollengode Mollu

Related Post: To my 'Tam Brahm GF's agonising aunt'

On their tombstones will be written
There were once people completely smitten

Living the American dream
In the music city over latte's and ice creams

He wandered to harsher lands
Still never did he forget her hands

Held over mile long walks
Sprinkled with unforgettable talks

Of Lynard, Hendrix ,Pacino and Marlboros
Of work woes, societal plagues and life's sorrows

Paw prints once left all over Uncle Sam's backyard
Hearts which eventually spilled and cracked like a shard

Some called them workmates
Some called them bed mates

Each considered the other a soul mate
Fate alas! made them foul mates

The helpless breadwinner left for a distant land out of sight
Her domestic barks were getting worse than long distance bites

Sun in his distant horizon while Moon in her starry skies
Graham Bell's invention kept strengthening their ties

The sojourn finally came to an end
Alas! once a straight road now had a bend

From their slumber they did awaken
Their dreamy love forsaken

She needed to leave despite having nowhere to go
He asked to stay for he needed her to run the show

And when their worlds did finally meet
His was the heart that was cut neat

Though Crippled by the days bygone
She did her best to move on

As for him , this was his love most sweetest
But as they say the first cut is always the deepest

They can still be seen walking down a trail
Through heat, snow , rain and hail

They forever treasure each other in their memories
Like a child comforts itself in its mother's mammaries

The way they thought it will turn out to be
And how it can no longer be....

How they once did belong
Sadly not any long ...

The way they once were...
The way they no longer are...

Hello People,